We’re not like dem other queens who turn up to the opening of every envelope, dontcha know? However, there are some invitations we simply can’t decline, and meeting legendary American comedienne / actress / singer Sandra Bernhard is just one of those. And so QX Editor, Cliff Joannou, and Deputy Editor, Lee Dalloway swished over to the Covent Garden Hotel for an audience with the First Lady of Feistiness, in town last week to promote her new show, ‘Whatever It Takes’…
Cliff: What are your best and worst high school memories?
Sandra Bernhard: The best memories are my two best friends, Dan and Tom and me wandering around after school with our dogs and talking about escaping Arizona. I guess the worst memories is the actual education that I never got.
Lee: Can you share the memory of the night you lost your virginity?
Sandra Bernhard: Actually it wasn’t at night, it was the middle of the afternoon in rural Canyon with somebody I met at the Hollywood Bowl. And it was a total bore.
Lee: Was it a man?
Sandra Bernhard: Yeah!
Lee: That’s why it was a total bore!
When was the last time you were in love, and with whom?
Sandra Bernhard: With my present girlfriend, Sarah. And that’s been for twelve years now. She’s fabulous.
Cliff: When did you know you were in love with her?
Sandra Bernhard: I loved her pretty quickly I admired her, and respected her. We have a very similar sense of humour, we have so much fun together. Real love – true love – comes when somebody has hung in there with you, and you’ve hung in there with them. Then every time you go through another road bump, or speed bump, then you transcend and it becomes a deeper love, because infatuation, that doesn’t last for so long.
Lee: I’m glad you guys are still happy, because when I interviewed you two years ago, you said how you were in New York and happy.
Sandra Bernhard: Yeah, we’re still in New York and I think we’re happier than ever. She actually left her job and now she’s writing scripts full time.
Cliff: What’s the secret to a long, happy relationship?
Lee: …we ask not knowing.
Sandra Bernhard: Are you not in one?
Cliff & Lee: No, never!
Sandra Bernhard: Well, first of all I had my daughter and that changed the way I approach relationships. I basically said if I don’t meet somebody who isn’t fully on board and completely committed to our life, then I wasn’t interested. I love my girlfriend because those are the rules I threw out and she completely stepped up to the plate, and we’ve been mutually respectful of each other’s goals and needs and hung in there and worked through it.
Cliff: Religion vs spirituality… Do you believe in God?
Sandra Bernhard: Spirituality for sure. Religion is too dogmatic. I believe in a higher spirit. It seems there is so much that’s unexplained, unexamined.
Cliff: Do you pray?
Sandra Bernhard: I do pray. But I also don’t wait for things to be answered and take matters in my own hands. I think prayer is an elevation of your soul and keeping above the fray of negativity.
Cliff: What’s your evaluation of Barack Obama’s first two years as President?
Sandra Bernhard: Fabulous. I love him. He’s the best. He put two amazing women in the Supreme Court. He’s done great things for the American people with healthcare. He came into a cess pool of shit and negativity.
Cliff: What about the criticism he’s received recently in terms of the economy? Is that fair on him?
Sandra Bernhard: No. What was he supposed to do? Things were already in place and he’s come in there and nobody can wave a magic wand and change people’s spending habits and the way Americans got into irresponsible situations. He’s trying to educate people, bring it all together.
Cliff: What would you do if Sarah Palin became the next President?
Sandra Bernhard: I hate to sound like Barbra Streisand, but I’d leave the country, for sure. I’d come here. But she’s not going to become President, it’s not even in the realm of possibility.
Cliff: The ageing process: to Botox or not to Botox?
Sandra Bernhard: Definitely to Botox.
Lee: You’ve had some done?
Sandra Bernhard: Yes, but I need very little now, because the major problem was my frown line. Once your muscles relax, the frown line goes away. I only do it once every 7-8 months.
Lee: What do you think of those who deny it?
Sandra Bernhard: Depends who you are. I don’t think it’s anybody’s business per se, unless it gets in the way of your acting, which it doesn’t for me.
Lee: What are your best and worst memories of Roseanne?
Sandra Bernhard: I don’t have any bad memories of Roseanne. My worst memories of Roseanne are Tom Arnold, because he was a putz. He’s awful. He almost ruined my relationship with Roseanne.
Lee: Becky No.1 or Becky No.2?
Sandra Bernhard: Oh, Becky No.1! She was great. They should have kept her.
Lee: Was it her decision to go?
Sandra Bernhard: I think she was dating one of the producers or the writer and Roseanne got mad at her and canned her, but she shouldnt’ have. She should have taken her aside and said “you’re too young, stop doing it”. She’s great Lucy, I’ve known her for a while.
Cliff: What is the greatest lesson your daughter has taught you?
Sandra Bernhard: Definitely patience. She is the most patient person in the world. She is patient, smart, clinical in a situation and will break it down and tell it like it is.
Cliff: How does she handle the ‘two mommies’ thing?
Sandra Bernhard: It doesn’t even phase her. Certainly in New York it’s so eclectic, she doesn’t seem to be phased by it. She loves us both. Obviously I’m her birth mnother, there’s a DNA and a certain love she has for me, but she also loves Sarah. It’s probably, 52/48 or something. It’s the best thing ever.
Cliff: Would you have any other children?
Sandra Bernhard: No, I always told my girlfriend, if you want to have a baby, I’ll support you, but I don’t think she’s interested. She feels this is enough for us.
Cliff: Discuss… Madonna, then and now.
Sandra Bernhard: This one I’m not answering, because it’s non-applicable.
Lee: What’s the worst job you’ve ever done.
Sandra Bernhard: I think the worst job I ever done was… what was it called? I was fired from it… Beer! I was replaced by Loretta Swift. I played a high-powered advertising executive. It was a terrible experience.
Lee: What did you do?
Sandra Bernhard: I fought and I battled and I was no good, and they fired me. But it was alright I still got paid for it.
Cliff: What’s the world’s most beautiful piece of music… after your latest CD, of course!
Sandra Bernhard: My latest CD was not a beautiful piece of music. It was bad. Guy, the producer was out of his mind. He fucked it up. I like Ravel? Classical music. I think it’s beautiful, transcendent.
Cliff: What’s our opinion of outspoken rappers like Eminem, 50 Cent, etc.
Sandra Bernhard: Well, I think they reflect their experience in life. It’s probably not the experience we relate to, but it’s very real for Eminem, coming from Detroit and having nothing. It’s certainly interesting. He’s cool in his own right. There are moments when I’m like, “what the fuck are you talking about?”, but I guess people say the same thing about me.
Lee: Gay marriage… what is America’s problem with it?
It’s the same problem that people have with furniture in America, a lot of it’s just bad taste! They just do. It’s a very monochromatic culture. Anything with any sort of taste, or unique take, threatens America. We’re a very provincial culture.
Cliff: Are you married?
No, but my girlfriend gave me this ring and I gave her a ring.
Lee: The Tea Party… a long ignored minority or dangerous racists?
Fringe, their just fringe people. The media’s different now, don’t forget. If the media was the way it was in the 60s as it is now, it’s the same people who were part of the moral majority. We have the internet and there’s so much exposure now [of them].
Cliff: Is America becoming more liberal?
I think the younger generation is more liberal. As people get older most the times they get more conservative. So I think what we have is some blow back from the last of the patriarchy dying out.
Lee: Tell us about your show.
I put together a lot of material this past year. I have a new band and musical director. She’s super-cool. It’s a very upbeat, positive cool show.
Cliff: So, we’re talking stories, jokes, memories and music…
Yes! That’s a perfect description. Thank you for knowing! So many people ask me and I’m like, “don’t you know by now what the fuck I do? Don’t make me explain it again.”
Sandra Bernhard: Whatever It Takes is at Leicester Square Theatre, 6 Leicester Place, WC2H 7BX. Wednesday 9th-Sunday 13th February. Box office: 0844 847 24 75. www.leicestersquaretheatre.com
