#CassandraSays – This Week in Edgy Parties

East London Queer

The doyenne of Dulwich squat parties gives us her inimitable guide to this weekend’s queer alternative goings on.

“Got my ass squeezed by sexy cupid, guess he wants to play, wants to play, a love game, a love game!”

It’s said that the love heart is actually based on the contour of a shapely derriere.

With that in mind, let’s look at some events on this weekend (in case you’ve been scrambling around thinking of ways to impress your man!)

FRIDAY 14th February


For all you ooky spooky kids whose notion of romance is to revel in DARKNESS, Lewis G. Burton’s legendary Inferno at The Yard in Hackney Wick is your vessel…a room full of beautiful bound queers set in freak motion by the thundering trance beat as if invoking you to DANCE, BREED, W0RSHIP! Probably to Lewis screaming “HERMAPHRODITEYYYYY!!!!!” over the beat! From 11pm at Unit 2a Queen’s Yard, E9 5EN.

Then, for the LASCIVIOUS AND POLYAMOROUS lot who can’t think of anything more ROUSING than to have a private dancer thrown into the mix with their valentine, He.She.They x Harpies LFW Party is on at Metropolis! An event that is sexy and hot yet inclusive and celebratory. 10pm – 5am at Metropolis, 234 Cambridge Heath Road, E2 9NN.

SATURDAY 15th February

Maybe you are in the afterglow of the all-consuming love you experienced the prior night; or maybe you didn’t find him when you went out on Friday! Either way Ingo Cando of Wotever World has created Queer Fayre at Colours, Hoxton which boasts an arts & crafts market to explore, as well as cabaret, poetry and “Love Bombing”! 1pm – 8pm, 2-4 Hoxton Square, N1 6NU.

Or maybe you’re feeling a bit more RAMBUNCTIOUS in the Valentine’s afterglow and fancy some Haggis and battered mars bars — all of which promised at Queltic – A Queer Celtic Celebration at The Chateau. I was down there for CRAMPS on Friday of course, where I heard hippy and huggy Tam saying something about turning the haggis into a DILDO! Wow. And since the men will all be in kilts flying up during a riverdance I suspect there will be VERY EASY ACCESS! Performances by BAM BAM sisters, THEE Proclaimer, and soundtracked by DJ MARS and DJ VIVIAN BAM BAM. 29-33 Camberwell Church Street, SE5 8TR. 8pm – 2am.

Madonna’s Madame X Tour continues on the 15th at the Palladium! Expect as always, provocations, political imagery, and apparently, Beethoven coming out of her pussy! What a madame she is. I will be attending on the 12th and writing an exclusive review for QX!



On 14th Feb Valentine’s night storytelling with London Dreamtime has storyteller Vanessa Woolf and musician George Hoyle telling you scary stories in the dark so you can pull your Valentine close to you in a currently secret location!
6.30pm, SE15. Email [email protected] to find out!

Anti Valentine’s Day Murder Mystery takes place 29 floors above the Thames!
7pm – midnight, Atmosphere Venues, Millbank Tower, 21-24 Millbank.

And the Natural History Museum is providing an LGBTQ+ nature history trail for Valentine’s At The Museum!
7pm – 10:30pm, Natural History Museum, SW7 5BD