Picture this: The lights go down, the curtains open, and the performance begins. People see a wheelchair user onstage. Some may say, “What’s he doing there?” or “Isn’t that a shame?” I can’t hear what they think up there, but I can feel it. Anyone can.
I’ve always loved performing since I was young. Dancing, singing, and acting are my passions, but so too was bringing a smile to someone’s face. From a young age, I wanted to perform professionally, but from then on, I was told, “Don’t be silly; that’s not a job.” “Be a teacher, it’s easier” or “People like you can’t do that”. And so, for years, the child inside of me who loved singing, dancing, and storytelling was abandoned for someone I wasn’t. A boy in a mask who eventually grew into a man. Anytime anyone asked me what I wanted to do with my life as if I was on autopilot, I always heard myself say, “A teacher”, but immediately would get this gut feeling I was making the wrong choice. I was so scared, however, of not pleasing everyone that I ignored the feeling, put the mask back on and got on with it.
I was pleasing people, which is what I wanted, but at what cost? As I got older. The big bad world of dating came calling. People used to say, “You’ll carry on the family name when we’re gone, ” and “Wouldn’t you like to find someone nice to look after you”. The seed was planted, it started to sprout, the mask went on and….yes, you’ve guessed it…people pleasing started. Toxic relationship after toxic relationship followed again and again. A never-ending cycle of self-doubt.
I don’t want you to think this is a sad tale because it isn’t. Yes, the above happened, but that doesn’t mean I can’t change it. I’d like to give you some tips on how you can, too.
Do what’s right for you
As you’ve heard people pleasing was a big thing for me. But if you ever find yourself saying yes to things you don’t want to do, then there’s one tiny word I’d like to tell you: “No”. Sounds easy, right? It’s not as easy as you may think. No has only two letters, but it stirs up so many emotions: Guilt, shame, Being unworthy, etc. I learned that I am not frightened of saying no but of someone’s reaction. Would they scream at me and walk away? But I learned I was not responsible for other people’s emotions, and neither are you. If someone reacts badly to you saying no, then the truth is it’s not your problem. Saying no to others is saying yes to yourself.
Listen to your gut
A lot of people, certainly me, often feel like they’re at a crossroads: “If I go this way, what’d happen? Maybe I should go that way” This is just some of what goes through my head in such situations and may be familiar to you, too. But there’s a little something inside each of us. Not a voice but a feeling. Ever get that sinking feeling when you’re about to make a certain decision or the feeling of the weight coming off your shoulders when you’ve made the right choice? This isn’t that voice in your head that overthinks, the schoolteacher who might have stood over you telling you you were doing it wrong. This is your good old gut instinct. If it feels right for you, go with it. It won’t steer you wrong. Don’t listen to what others might be telling you. Listen to your feelings.
This is YOUR life
This final one was and still is the biggest hurdle for me. As I mentioned, I wanted to bring a smile to people’s faces, but often at my own expense. Often I wasn’t happy on the path I thought I’d chosen, but I thought, “Other people are happy, but I’m not. Why? The reason for this was drumroll please………I wasn’t living MY life. I was living someone else’s dreams and ambitions, not my own. If you’re doing something you enjoy and someone else says to do something else, it doesn’t mean you should. You’re not living someone else’s life. That’s their job. Your job is to live your own life with your own ambitions and dreams. As long as you do this, you’ll be happy. Live your own life.
So now, as the lights go down, the curtain opens, and I’m sitting there. People might be muttering to themselves, or they may be quite vocal, but I can’t hear them because I’m doing what I love.
Gavin Yule
Instagram: @gavinyule
