No Year’s Resolutions: Why You Don’t Have to Become a Better You Overnight

Except none of this is real. The calendar is made up. January 1st is an arbitrary date that holds no particular magical properties in and of itself. The Romans invented it.

In Ethiopia, the year is still 2017. They have a unique calendar with 13 months. 12 months have 30 days, and the 13th month, called Pagume, has 5 or 6 days, making it about 7-8 years behind the Gregorian calendar, with its New Year, called Enkutatash, falling in September.

So, the idea that January 1st is a magical day when we get to be reborn? We’ve collectively agreed to pretend it matters. And capitalism has seized on this fiction to sell us gym memberships, diet plans and the idea that who we are right now isn’t good enough.

I’m calling bullshit.

I don’t know about you, but 2025 was hard. I spent most of this year transforming and healing. I’m talking the kind of transformation that can’t be bought or scheduled or manifested through sheer willpower on a random Thursday in January.

So I’m going to ease into the new year gently with softness. And certainly with intention. But not with that aggressive chutzpah that so much of the world will bulldoze into the new year with.

This is why my Pleasure Medicine New Year special is on January 3rd, not January 1st. Because I just don’t believe in the overnight transformation myth. I believe in arriving when you’re ready, not when the calendar tells you to be. Pleasure Medicine is my connection workshop and ecstatic dance for gay men in London. And for this special New Year version, we have a cacao ceremony and sound healing, my signature connection workshop, and a fabulous DJ set.

We will certainly be reflecting on a year that’s past, and our intentions for the year ahead. But slowly, gently, softly and with a totally different energy than a list of dos and don’ts.

The Capitalism of Self-Improvement

It’s time to let go of the story that you’re not enough as you are. That you need to change. And that you need to buy or sign up to (fill in the blank), and then you’ll be perfect.

Jennifer Aniston put it perfectly when she famously delivered L’Oréal’s famous line “because you’re worth it”

“But not without this product, you’re not” is the underlying subtext.

Literally all of advertising and capitalism is built on the premise that “you can’t be happy, fulfilled, good enough or content without what we have to sell you.”

Any marketing designed to make you sign up to or buy something is built on one skillset they have perfectly refined; to agitate the pain inside you that you’re broken and in pain, and then to present the bridge to your happiness and freedom from that pain with their product, offer or service.

I even did a marketing program for my business once, which taught how to do this through marketing copy. They called the technique “Stab — Agitate — Solve”.

You ‘stab’ the customer by presenting their problem to them directly. You then ‘agitate’ that wound by presenting all the ways that their pain is affecting their life. And then you ‘solve’ their problem by presenting your product that has all the answers to their happiness.

Now I’ve revealed the secrets of marketing, you’ll see it everywhere, for everything.

Stab: “Is your jean size creeping up with every passing year? Did you just catch that photo of yourself at the office party and gasp at how you’ve let yourself go? Your body isn’t what it used to be”

Agitate: “Every time you look in the mirror, you feel disappointed with yourself. Your clothes don’t fit right. You avoid having photos taken. You’ve stopped going to the beach. Your confidence has disappeared, and deep down, you worry you’ll never feel attractive again. And your best friend’s wedding is fast approaching, and you just don’t wanna go”

Solve: “But imagine arriving at your friend’s wedding with the body you’ve always dreamed of.  A smile on your face, a spring in your step, happy to be there, glowing. And hey, you might even catch the eye of the man of your dreams while you’re there. Our 12-week transformation program has helped thousands regain their confidence and their bodies. Join today and become the person you know you were supposed to be!”

This just rolls off my tongue because I’ve done so many marketing programs to try to help me build my own business. I don’t know when it happened, but it started to feel really icky to me.

I started to deeply dislike the feeling of agitating other humans’ pain, in a world that was already full of so much of it. I stopped marketing this way and started to use only aspirational and inspirational words on my website and in my copy.

So now, I only use language that creates possibility and potential. It feels much better to me. But I digress.

This constant low level attacking is exhausting of our nervous systems. And for LGBTQ+ people who’ve already spent years being told we need to change and that we shouldn’t be who we are, this messaging lands even deeper.

We’ve already done the work of becoming ourselves. Why should we sign up for more self-rejection simply because the Earth completed another lap around the sun?

The truth is that transformation doesn’t operate on a schedule. Healing doesn’t respect deadlines and dates.

Our growth and evolution happens when it happens. And it’s often slow, messy and certainly not overnight!

What I’ve Learned About Real Change

Through my own healing work this year, and from doing therapy with many gay men, I’ve learned that sustainable change comes from gentle and steady recognition, not force. It comes from understanding what you need, want and desire, not from punishing yourself for what you lack.

Real transformation looks like this:

• Noticing your patterns without judgment or shame.
• Making minor adjustments over time, gradually.
• Being curious about yourself instead of being critical.
• Allowing yourself to move at your own pace.
• Recognising that some months are for growing and some are for resting

What doesn’t work are lists of dos and donts, strict rules, all-or-nothing thinking, shame-based motivation and will power. Basically, anything that treats you like a project that needs completing rather than a person whose journey is often non-linear.

Intentions Over Resolutions

Instead of resolutions (which statistically fail 80% of the time by February), I’m setting intentions. 

Resolutions are rigid: “I will go to the gym five times a week and list 4kg.”

Intentions are fluid: “I want to feel more connected and at home in my body.

Resolutions are rigid: “I will go on three dates per month until I find a boyfriend.

Intentions are fluid: “I desire to open myself to deeper connection and intimacy.”

Resolutions are rigid: “I will save £500 every month without fail.”

Intentions are fluid: “I wish to feel more financially secure and abundant.”

Resolutions are about doing. Intentions are about being.

Resolutions focus on actions you can measure and therefore fail at. Intentions focus on energies, essences and qualities you want to experience in your life.

With an intention, you might surprise yourself by saving way more than £500 per month, realise that you’re single at heart and don’t even want a boyfriend, or realise that you want to go to the gym for the way it makes you feel rather than the way it makes you look!

Feel the difference? Intentions are full of potential and possibility. They are malleable and can change as you change. 

What if, instead of making a list of tasks, you asked yourself:

“How do I want to feel this year? What energy do I want to embody? What qualities do I want to cultivate?”

Maybe it’s more creativity and movement. Maybe it’s more pleasure. Maybe it’s more authentic connection and intimacy. Maybe it’s learning how to rest properly. Maybe it’s joy that isn’t contingent on productivity or output.

And think about it… these aren’t things you achieve overnight. 

They’re ways of being that you practice, gradually, throughout the year. Some days you’ll embody them fully. Some days you won’t. And that’s ok. You can’t fail at intentions. They’re ongoing explorations.

Easing In, Not Forcing Through

I’m giving myself all of January, and the rest of the god damn (totally arbitrary made up) year to ease into any intentions I set. Not because I lack discipline, but because I understand how humans work.

So if you’re feeling the pressure to reinvent yourself by January 1st, I’m here to tell you, you don’t have to. You can take January slowly with an energy of ease.

You can explore what feels good rather than what you think you should do. You can build momentum gradually instead of burning out in a heap of shame and blame by January 15th.

And if you want support in this gentler approach, the Pleasure Medicine New Year special on January 3rd is designed for exactly this. Not for becoming a new you, but for understanding and caring for the you that already exists!

Take your time. Ease in. Be gentle.

The year will unfold whether you have a list of resolutions or not. The only question is: will you move through it with self-compassion or self-criticism?

I know which one I’m choosing.

Love Gary x

About Gary Albert

• Learn about Slow Dating+, a dating workshop and event where you meet men without the masks and learn to date, relate and communicate.
• Get your free E-Guide ‘Stop The Scroll: Create A Dating Profile That Attracts The Right Men — the 3311 formula that creates a standout bio and makes men message’ https://www.pleasuremedicine.co.uk/bio.

Gary Albert is a therapist, embodiment facilitator, somatic sex coach, award-winning music maker, conscious DJ and writer. He’s the creator of Pleasure Medicine, a bi-weekly connection workshop and ecstatic dance for gay men in London that blends conscious movement with embodied connection. He is also the founder of the ever-growing Pleasure Medicine Whatsapp Group with hundreds of men into conscious events, connection and community.He is also the creator of The Erotic Reset: a 7-Day Journey to Unf*ck Your Sexlife by Mastering Masturbation. With over a decade of experience as a facilitator and therapist, Gary is devoted to helping gay men unlock their pleasure centres, soften shame and rediscover joy, intimacy and sensuality through dance, touch and celebratory sexuality.

He is a guest columnist for queer culture magazines and writes personal essays, opinion pieces and cultural reflections, always from the perspective of being in the waters with the reader, trying to work it all out together.