Why Gay Men Want To Belong, Not Just Fit In (And How To Make It Happen!) 

On the first Saturday of 2026, I sat in the closing circle at the end of Pleasure Medicine for our New Year special, and I had tears in my eyes.

In fact, I had to hold myself back from properly balling because I was holding the space…

(In case you’re wondering, Pleasure Medicine is my twice-monthly connection workshop and conscious dance for gay men in London every two weeks.)

And as I sat and listened to the shares, the tears balanced on the edges of my eyelids.

I realised what I had created over these last 9 months is a true community, a family, a tribe where GBTQ+ men truly feel they actually belong, rather than just fit in.

One man shared that this was his first time at one of my sessions, and that it was the first anniversary of the death of his mum.

He had been laying flowers earlier that day and was unsure of whether or not it was the right thing to come to a joy-filled connection workshop and ‘conscious’ dance!

(WTF is a conscious dance anyway?! Click here to find out!)

But he decided his mum would want him in a state of joy and connection rather than sadness. And so he came. He shared that it was the best decision because it felt like a celebration of life, of the body, of other humans, other gay men being together.

His words rang something deep in my heart, because my dad took his own life a few years ago. And the night after his funeral, I decided to go out dancing too!

It seems like a really weird thing to do in a state of loss and grief.

But the realisation that someone you’ve known and loved no longer has the ability to wave their limbs around in delight like a fool-clown makes the fact that you still can ever so much more precious… so I did.

Just like that guy in the sharing circle, it was the best decision.

Conscious dance, ecstatic dance, and embodied movement are such an important thing in my life. It’s essential to my happiness and wellbeing. It’s my spiritual practice. It has changed, if not saved, my life.

It’s why I created Pleasure Medicine. I want gay men to be able to dance and express themselves in a totally free, uninhibited way, sober. And I want you to experience the joy of what it means to be your full, authentic self in a safe space where you feel that you belong.

Anyway, the shares in the circle continued, and almost everyone said how the Pleasure Medicine space has given them so much love, connection, joy, playfulness, depth and a new chosen family over the last 9 months. And it truly hit me how important places and spaces like this are right now for us GBTQ+ men.

Even the guys who were coming for the very first time felt they belonged straight away.

There is no clique to fit into, no cool gang to have to join, not even among the guys who have been coming for 9 months. It’s not like that here. It’s not how we roll. Our arms warmly open to everyone — every age, body type, culture and expression of GBTQ+ man…

To be honest, I don’t even really feel that I created Pleasure Medicine. I simply answered a calling in the collective field, a deep need for somewhere to belong, not to fit in. I woke up one day, and I was ‘told’ by the powers that be to create an ecstatic dance for gay men.

So I just said “ok!” not really knowing how to go about it. I dusted off the DJ decks and created the first one. And I think 7 guys showed up for the first one.

9 months later, we have a thriving and growing community of gay men whose lives are transforming…

And it’s the most meaningful thing I do in my life now. I’m in love with Pleasure Medicine and the community it attracts.

I’ve always squinted my eyes and cocked my head a little when people say things like “…in the gay community” because I’ve never really felt there is one.

Going to a place and hanging out in it isn’t a community. A community isn’t simply a group of people. A community is a quality within that group of people. An energy. And it’s how those people treat each other.

True community lifts each other up, supports each other to evolve and grow, love each other, challenges each other, holds each other in the highest light and regard, and allows each person to be themselves fully, authentically, safely and unabashed. Community doesn’t judge, compare, or point fingers at who is better or worse. It allows for all our idiosyncrasies and weirdments, fabulosities and radiance.

Community is where we belong, not trying to fit in.

Fitting in looks like this:

• Performing the version of yourself you think others want
• Comparing yourself to everyone in the room
• Hiding your weirdness, your quirks, your softness
• Seeking validation through appearance or approval
• Policing your body language or tone
• Feeling like you have to “keep up” or impress
• Thinking “am I doing this right?” instead of being present
• Laughing at jokes you don’t actually find funny
• Holding back your tears, your joy, your truth
• Shrinking or exaggerating yourself to feel safe
• Feeling exhausted after socialising — because you’ve been acting
• Wearing armour: humour, over-sexualisation, sarcasm, cattiness, aloofness
• Feeling relief when it’s over

If you’re like me, you’re tired of standing around in clubs and bars, wishing someone would just see you, witness who you really are, look into your eyes, and try to get to know you.

And you’re tired of changing yourself to feel enough, to be found attractive or worthy of getting to know.

When you belong, it looks like this:

• Feeling at ease in your own skin
• Laughing freely — not performing, just being
• Letting your body move the way it wants to
• Expressing emotion openly: tears, laughter, joy, silence
• Feeling seen without having to explain yourself
• Being held in your awkwardness, not judged for it
• Speaking your truth, even if your voice shakes
• Feeling energised, nourished, expanded after connection
• Trusting you don’t have to compete or compare
• Knowing you can just be quiet, loud, sensual, playful, reflective
• Celebrating others’ light instead of dimming yours
• Taking up space and offering it to others
• Feeling relaxed in your nervous system and safe in your body

This is what Belonging is…

This is what Pleasure Medicine is for…

It’s to Belong. Not just fit in.

I hope you join us sometime!

Love & Pleasure, Gary x

P.S. If you fancy joining us and are feeling the call, we are here, my love: www.pleasuremedicine.co.uk

About Gary Albert

• Join our growing Whatsapp App Community of over 250 gay men for soulful connection and events.
• Learn about Slow Dating+, a dating workshop and event where you meet men without the masks and learn to date, relate and communicate.
• Get your free E-Guide ‘Stop The Scroll: Create A Dating Profile That Attracts The Right Men — the 3311 formula that creates a standout bio and makes men message’ https://www.pleasuremedicine.co.uk/bio.

Gary Albert is a therapist, embodiment facilitator, somatic sex coach, award-winning music maker, conscious DJ and writer. He’s the creator of Pleasure Medicine, a bi-weekly connection workshop and ecstatic dance for gay men in London that blends conscious movement with embodied connection. He is also the founder of the ever-growing Pleasure Medicine WhatsApp group, with hundreds of men into conscious events, connection, and community. He is also the creator of The Erotic Reset: a 7-Day Journey to Unf*ck Your Sexlife by Mastering Masturbation. With over a decade of experience as a facilitator and therapist, Gary is devoted to helping gay men unlock their pleasure centres, soften shame and rediscover joy, intimacy and sensuality through dance, touch and celebratory sexuality.

He is a guest columnist for queer culture magazines and writes personal essays, opinion pieces and cultural reflections, always from the perspective of being in the waters with the reader, trying to work it all out together.