On one hand, that makes total sense – you’ve got to be comfortable with who you are before you can confidently explore intimacy with others. But how do you actually go about doing that? How do you find the self-love that everyone says is the cure for loneliness?

It’s not an exact science, but here are four things you could focus on:

Relax

One of the realities of modern life is that we’re constantly “on”. You’ve got to find ways to step back, take a breath, and stop performing.

How do you actually do that?

Rethink your relationship with social media. Going cold-turkey might be too much, but set yourself limits to avoid doom-scrolling the day away.
Ensure that you’re getting quality sleep. Remove screens from the bedroom. Invest in new pillows or a summer duvet.
Schedule some downtime each day. The simplest way is to book a daily walk into your diary – leave the headphones at home and walk around the block.
Book a massage. The touch of a masseur will help release oxytocin – a hormone that literally makes you feel happier.

Recalibrate

There’s a difference between being lonely and spending time alone.

We all need some time by ourselves – it gives your mind and body some time to process what you’re experiencing and what you’re feeling.

How do you actually do that?

Build it into your routine. Starting the day with a simple stretching exercise can be just as beneficial as hours of meditation – it’s an opportunity just to connect with your body.
Make it a treat. Once a week, block some time out for a leisurely bath. Light the candles, play the music, splurge on a Lush bath-bomb – the whole works.
Take yourself on a date night. Go to the movies or visit a museum or gallery. Experiencing something by yourself enables you to just surrender to the moment.
Reading a book is a useful way to feel productive while taking some time out. You’re carving out a space where it’s just you doing something that you enjoy.
Dive in. Going for a swim is an ideal way to combine exercise with alone-time. It’s surprising where your thoughts take you as you thrash out a few laps in the local pool.

Rejuvenate

If you’re struggling with loneliness, one of the breakthrough moments will be when you find your people – when you find your community.

Being part of a community isn’t just about being surrounded by others; a community enables you to feel part of something bigger than just yourself.

The best starting point is to focus on a shared interest, but it’s probably going to take some trial and error to match what you’re passionate about with people that make you feel welcome, safe, and seen.

As you’re testing out different ways to connect with a community that resonates with you, look for events or activities that facilitate interaction – you need conversation and shared experiences in order to build a sense of belonging.

How do you actually do that?

Look for small-group experiences that feel like something you might enjoy. Naked Men Talking offers a huge range of different events for men in London.
If you want to keep your clothes on, a walking group is an easy starting point – it’s a simple way to spend time with guys that you haven’t met before.

If you’re struggling to make much progress in finding your people, get on the front foot and create the community that you want to be part of. It might take a while to connect with others, but doing the work will give you something to focus on – a sense of purpose that you’ve perhaps been missing.

Reflect

Don’t get stuck in patterns of behaviour that have left you feeling unfulfilled and dissatisfied. Try writing yourself a new narrative by being curious about the world around you.

How do you actually do that?

Approach every conversation as an opportunity to learn something. Be an active listener – don’t just wait for the other person to stop speaking so you can tell them what’s on your mind. Demonstrate that you’re engaged in what they’re talking about.
Activate your critical thinking. Stay up-to-date with what’s going on in the world but seek out a range of views and opinions – ensure that you’re not stuck in an echo-chamber.
In a world where power and resources are held in the hands of a few, marginalised people should stick together and look for opportunities to lift each other up. Instead of focusing on the differences between you and others, look for the things that you share – find commonality.

Gareth Johnson is the host of Naked Men Talking – a podcast exploring intimacy, sexuality, and masculinity.