Is this the future of dating?

There’s lots of ways that the signals can be sent, but – in recent years – the most efficient pathway to physical intimacy has been online dating and hook-up apps.

The down-sides of hook-up apps are well documented. If you’ve used any of the apps recently, you’ll appreciate that it’s not a particularly fulfilling experience – it’s a means to an end.

Like most sectors, the world of online dating has been quick to embrace Artificial Intelligence – seeing the potential of AI as a way of freshening up the proposition as well as cutting costs and increasing revenue.

What that looks like in practice is AI-generated profiles and chat-bots, making it even more challenging for users to actually connect with each other.

But is there any alternative?

Set your intention

A useful starting point is to try to articulate to yourself what you’re actually looking for.

Obviously, that can vary depending on where your head is at on any particular day. But before you reach for your phone and start scrolling through a grid of guys, reflect on whether you’re looking for a quick transactional sexual release or if you want to feel something different.

Hook-up apps are a fast-track way to get the job done, but what if you’re looking for some emotional intimacy? You may need a different approach.

Recognise the power of being chosen

The highs and lows of dating can hit us fairly hard. When someone leaves us on read, blocks us, or just flat-out rejects us for whatever reason, it’s difficult not to take that personally. It feels like a dagger to the heart.

Understanding why the stakes seem so high can help us to navigate the roller-coaster of emotions.

As queer men, we get early and repeated experience of not being chosen. Frequently, it’s pretty clear to everyone around us that we’re a bit different from our peers. We are “othered” because of that difference or we “other” ourselves as a form of protection and self-defence.

That translates into being excluded (or excluding ourselves) from friendship groups or social activities. Most of us also carry the trauma and public humiliation of being picked last on sports teams – or not being picked at all.

We know what it feels like to not be chosen. Frequently, the realities of dating – the rejections – trigger all of those traumas of not being chosen.

If we’re looking for more than a quick transactional physical release, if we’re looking for a bit of an emotional connection, we probably want to feel chosen by someone.

In this context, being “chosen” helps us to feel seen, validated, cherished, and part of something bigger than ourselves. It’s pretty rare that you’ll get that from some dude who has sent you a dick pic on a hook-up app.

Embrace a human-first strategy

While the use of AI technology seems ubiquitous in pretty much every aspect of our lives, we are seeing some examples of AI fatigue.

If you’re looking for a quick transactional sexual release, is talking to an AI profile or chat-bot making that experience any easier? If you’re looking for some emotional intimacy, if you’re wanting to feel “chosen” by someone, how is talking to a robot going to make you feel seen, validated, or cherished?

You need to put yourself in real-world situations where you’re interacting with actual people.

Try to lower the stakes of these encounters. Don’t think of it as dating, think of it as meeting new people. Small-group events are a great way to put yourself out there, interact with guys that you haven’t met before, and see where that goes.

Be proactive, but create some safety buffers to protect yourself from rejection. It’s much easier to ask someone if you can follow their Instagram than to ask for their telephone number. If they’re matching the vibe of your DMs, then let’s see where that goes. If they’re not, that’s cool – you can still like whatever they’re posting.

The future of dating

What will dating look like in the future? No one really knows – the future is still being written. What is clear is that we will always need ways to connect with each other.

We don’t have to be passive victims when it comes to dating – we have agency, we are the ones writing the story of how queer men responded to the changing landscape of our search for intimacy.

Embrace a human-first strategy. Sign up for real-world events. Talk to actual people. Be open to where those conversations can take you.

Let’s manifest a future where we all get to feel chosen.