Almost 1 in 8 gay and bisexual men in London are HIV positive.
The gay scene is a huge community yet so few drag performers, DJs or scene personalities are openly HIV positive. As World AIDS Day approaches, Vanilla Lush, who is well known on the cabaret circuit as one third of drag troupe The Supreme Fabulettes, is making a statement and coming ‘out’ as HIV positive.
Speaking to Cliff Joannou, Vanilla – aka Aalbert Martijn Smit – hopes his actions will help others feel they can be more open about their status, and make those who are HIV negative to think twice before judging others who are living with the virus…
I found out I was HIV+ in September of 1999 when I was 21 years young.
In the summer of ‘98, the Amsterdam gay scene was wild: clubs, pubs, saunas and drugs were part of every day life, and as a young student from the provinces I thought it couldn’t get any better. I had come out to my typically Dutch parents a few years before, with no trouble at all I must add, and moved to the big city to study with full support of my mum and dad.
Dad even sorted me out a list of nightspots to avoid, courtesy of his colleagues at the Amsterdam police force.
Med school turned out to be terribly boring in comparison to club life and drag so after a few months I dropped out. I would instead host parties and lip-synch songs as Amsterdam’s hottest new drag queen – or so I thought. The reality was I was off my face most of the time barely able to spell my own name, let alone remember the lyrics to the latest floor filler by Two Unlimited.
Half a year went past and I met a lovely guy who, after a few months of whirlwind romance, asked me to move in with him. I told my parents the news, picked up my things, and moved to London. We enjoyed settled life together, working during the week while going out clubbing once or twice a month. After about six months living together we decided to go for a health screening. His results came back the next week and were all clear. The following day we went to collect mine and were told the shocking news. I tested positive for HIV. I will never forget the look on his face.
“Being a HIV+ male still carries a lot of stigma: some people look at us as if we carry the plague.”
I remember it very clearly: we thought everything would be fine because he was fine, right? Wrong. Everything fell apart. Not only had I been diagnosed HIV+, now it was very likely I had infected the man I loved. An awfully long wait for his new results began.
To help us to come to terms with my status in the mean time, we attended several gay forums where you talk endlessly, hoping for an epiphany. I thought of myself as far too Dutch for all this and assumed I could just accept my diagnosis for what it was, tell my parents and move on. So my forum-breakthrough would be just that. I picked-up the phone and called them. Bless my parents, they wanted me to come home and look after me. I convinced them that this was not necessary, that everything would be all right and that I would look after myself. London was, after all, the best place to be for HIV+ men, with excellent services and support, so I would be better off staying here.
Luckily, a few months later, my boyfriend was given the all clear, but our relationship did not last. I found myself single in London, and I threw myself at the club scene.
After ten years of mad parties, even madder after-parties and ignoring my status completely, my immune system was so run down it could not take anymore. I found myself with a fungal lung infection and a CD4 count below 120. I was put on anti-viral drugs immediately and have been on them ever since. As a result, my health improved dramatically and within a few months my viral load was undetectable. My CD4 count is slowly but steadily improving and I am looking forward to living the rest of my life, responsibly, with HIV.
My status now doesn’t bother me. It’s part of who I am, but does not define me. I hope my story will help others somehow.
VANILLA ON…
My biggest fear about ‘coming out’ as HIV positive…
Being a HIV+ male still carries a lot of stigma: some people look at us as if we carry the plague. Most HIV+ men actually look after themselves much better than those who don’t know their status.
On being judged…
Those that I have told about my status I have told for a reason. They are the people whose opinions matter, people I love, and those I want to share my life with. I guess I will come under fire now by some others for my past, and I am sure this will upset me, but I know my true friends don’t judge me.
On the gay scene forcing HIV positive people to hide their status…
I don’t think the scene does this actively, but I do think that better education in society in general on the subject would create an atmosphere of acceptance rather than the fear created by ignorance.
How friends reacted…
I have so far been very lucky in my experiences. A few people found the news hard to deal with and are no longer part of my circle of friends.
The biggest misunderstanding about HIV is…
Some people still think that being HIV+ will somehow stand in the way of me living a fulfilling long life. I am not about to let it.
The one thing I’d like people to understand about HIV is…
Long gone are the days where HIV was a death sentence. Yes, it’s a lifelong condition, and it requires you to look after yourself. But that is life: you have to look after yourself, and each other!