Share this:

A

Arse

Where would we be without the arse? Probably masturbating into hot fruit or damp socks.

 

Apps

Where you find a dealer when none of your numbers are working. Also a good place to meet men for dates/sex/arguments.

 

Aromas

AKA ‘room odorizer’. Because everyone loves the heady fumes of isopropyl nitrite wafting around a room. Invigorating your senses, loosening your arsehole and giving you the world’s most evil headache if you leave them open all night. Also avoid contact with your upper lip, unless you consider “Impetigo Infectee” a look2try.

 

Autoerotic Asphyxiation

Sounds like being strangled by a Skoda, but you’re actually just choking yourself, so no worries about signing up to StreetCar. With a high potential for, uh, death, it’s possibly one to try with a chaperone (or medic) standing by.

 

B


Backstreet 

Both the most important boy band of the late 90’s and the name of London’s salacious cruise club, home to some of the most scintillating fetish nights south of the river.

The Backstreet, Wentworth Mews, London E3 4UA

 

Buttplug

Anal toy designed to strengthen the sphincter whilst increasing your anal cavity’s capacity.  Handy to have in your handbag in case of emergency, i.e. a long bus ride after too many burritos. PLUG IT UP!

 

Blue Door Dungeon

If you’re truly committed to making your fantasy a reality, then Blue Door Dungeon in Islington should be your first port of call. There’s a medical room, a puppy play area, wrestling room and even a fuck machine. All available for hire by the hour. Plus, most importantly, complimentary wi-fi.

www.bluedoordungeon.co.uk

 

Bussy

Portmanteau of the words “boy” & “pussy” and your new vocabulary word for the day. See also “munt”. I’m sure you can use your imagination with this one.

 

 

 

C

Cam 4

Broke? Exhibitionist? Well girl, you’re in luck, because horny bastards the globe over are probably willing to see you tug at your turkey or get railed by your randy Romanian roommate for cold hard cash on Cam 4!

www.cam4.co.uk

 

Clone Zone

Not a Star Wars cosplay convention but a one-stop spot to shop for all your sexual needs. Cock socks, corporal punishment devices and cute calendars all under one roof!

www.clonezonedirect.co.uk

30 Old Compton Street, London W1D 5JX

 

Club CP

Paddle-punishment party for boys who’ve been very, very bad. Your buttocks will be redder than Rudolph’s nose after a night here, though we don’t recommend using your arse as a satellite navigation system afterward.

Club CP is at Bunker Bar, 217 City Road, London, EC1V 1JN

 

Collared

Are you a freak on a leash? Pop down to the infamous Underground Club and you’ll find men more than happy to housebreak you and let you hump their leg.

Collared is 2nd & 4th Saturday of the months at The Underground Club, 37 Wharfdale Road, London,N1 9SD

 

Come to Daddy

Calling all bears, daddies, big boys, chubs and chasers! Come To Daddy is a weekly Thursday nighter at the Underground Club. Cruise, booze and dance for your papi with classic 70s and 80s dance, pop and NRG with contemporary booty shakers thrown into the mix!

The Underground Club, 37 Wharfdale Road, London,N1 9SD

 

Condoms

A little latex sock for your cock and your first line of defence against most sexually transmitted infections. Hilarious when you’re 11, a necessity when you’re taking home strangers in adulthood.

 

Crackstuffers

If your bussy is feeling a little barren, Crackstuffers have all kinds of foreign bodies available to fill it, from the fun to the frightening.

www.crackstuffers.com

 

Cruising

Cheerful 70’s film featuring Al Pacino becoming a leather daddy and solving crimes. Also a fun early-hours activity for public toilets and Hampstead Heath alike. B.Y.O. willies. Sorry. WELLIES.

 

 

D

Daddy

The sexiest word in the English language, bar none. We love you, daddy.

 

Dirty Heels

Alexandra Burke’s forthcoming grime follow-up to her 2012 magnum opus ‘Broken Heels’. Also a unique club night for non-drag inclined guys who still like to slip into a pair of stilettos and squirt.

 

Dogging

Like cruising but usually done in dirty Corsas by homely heterosexuals inhabiting the UK’s more rural areas.

 

Docking

Obscure sexual practice that involves inserting the head of the penis under your partner’s foreskin. Probably not one that’ll be on the agenda for kosher couples.

 

E

Eagle London

If you go down to Vauxhall today…you should stop by the Eagle, Voho’s fiercely social boozer, home to all kinds of fetish fiestas and more!

Eagle London, 349 Kennington Lane, London SE11 5QY

 

Electrastim

If you just can’t keep your fingers out the sockets, indulge your electrical impulses and blow your damn fuse with Electrastim’s enormous array or products, perfect for the advanced electrohead.

www.electrastim.co.uk

 

Ejaculation

Why most of us are bothering with any of this hullabaloo, really.

 

Expectations

Great Eastern Street’s home of harnesses and hard-ons, Expectations won’t disappoint with their enormous array of, well, EVERYTHING you could hope for in the bedroom, the darkroom or the dungeon.

Expectations, 75 Great Eastern Street, London EC2A 3RY

 

Extreme Needle 

Want your peen pierced? Extreme Needle can hook you up with all manner of genital jewellery, as well as some pretty sweet tattoo art too!

Extreme Needle, 36 St Martins Ct, London WC2N 4AL

 

F

Feet

If playing with someone’s little piggies makes you pop a woody, you’re probably into feet. Don’t worry, you’re in good company, Quentin Tarantino loves to rub his Reservoir Dog over a set of trotters too! If you’re so inclined, Underground Club host a regular Feet on Friday event as well.

 

Fetish Freak

You’ll FREAK out (groan) when you see the selection of accessories and outfits that these guys have in store for you. Seriously though. If you’re into fetish, you’ll find what you need here.

www.fetishfreak.co.uk

 

Fingerban

A digital (meaning hands, not HDTV) delight most of us have experienced on a dance-floor, or in a club bathroom, or at a petrol station.

 

Fisting 

The fingerbang’s bigger, more invasive brother. Load up on Crisco and take a few Lamaze classes before attempting this one. Over the knuckle or it doesn’t count, boys!

 

Folsom Europe Clubs

They’ve come a long way from the San Francisco street fair that started it all, now hosting fetish parties all over Europe and bringing a little California cruising to your backyard.

 

Freedom Shop

If stuffing handfuls of condoms from the jar on the bar into your pockets is starting to seem a bit sad, head over to Freedom Shop! Safe sex doesn’t need to break the bank.

www.freedoms-shop.com

 

G

Gag

Karmic punishment that usually occurs after drunkenly proclaiming you can swallow donkey dick whilst on a date. Also a cute S&M accessory.

 

Gerontophillia

When the geriatric set make you jizz. Come to (grand)daddy.

 

GUM Clinic

A great place to score free prophylactics, alongside a clean bill of health. Visit at least twice a year. Know your status. Relax.

 

Gummi

Rubber-dubbers should get down to Gummi in Vauxhall. Hosted by the Hoist, you’re guaranteed to find a like-minded man to bounce your body off of at one of their themed events!

Gummi is at The Hoist, Railway Arches 47b and 47c, South Lambeth Road, London, SW8 1RH

 

Glory hole

If you’re not fussed on faces and don’t care who owns the dick you’re playing with, this is the perfect setup for you. There might still be some in public toilets across the city, but take care before you peek. You’ll be looking at a fairly embarrassing trip to the opticians otherwise.

 

H

Hard On

Fetish lovers unite for this monthly meeting of minds, mouths and meat! Strict dress code apllies though, so fix up, look sharp and have fun!

 

The Hoist

Deep in the dark depths of Vauxhall lies the Hoist, home of Unkut Kurt and his brigade of big, bad boys in boots and not much else. Like leather? Rubber? Super strict dress codes? Welcome to your new spiritual home.

The Hoist, Arches 47b and 47c, South Lambeth Road, London SW8 1RH

 

Hotwired

THE ultimate annual fetish festival, where you can do the fandango with your favourite pornstars, watch some live sex shows and get your rocks off all in one weekend!

Saturday 19th September. Ewer St Car Park, 29 Great Suffolk St, SE1 0NS. Entrance on Great Suffolk Street. 10pm-6am. £25 advance, MOTD.

 

I

Into Latex

Are you? If so, you’d do well to give these guys a look. They’ve got everything from footy socks to a full-on ‘Oops I Did It Again’ outfit. Just remember; talcum powder is a latex lover’s best friend.

www.intolatex.co.uk

 

J

Jizz

Spunk. Spooge. Joy juice. Beverage of choice for cumguzzlers everywhere. Best served hot. Can also be frozen into cubes and kept in the crisper for special seminal occasions. So we’ve heard.

 

Jockstrap

Athletic undergarment that should not be attempted by anyone with less than a C-cup culo. Please also remember to wipe thoroughly.

 

K

Kidnap

The ultimate dirty weekend away. Bespoke bodysnatching can now be arranged online for those hoping to indulge their fantasies, following a few too many tequila-fuelled viewings of ‘Taken’.

 

L

Libidex

Latex lover’s haven, catering for both boys and girls. So perfect when your drag diva alter ego needs a new wet-look leotard.

https://libidex.com/

 

Lube

If you plan to put anything in your pum-pum, we’d advise stocking up on this, lest you leave your starfish looking like Seafood Surprise sandwich spread.

 

M

MA1 Club

Home to Saville Row-style fetish night Suited and birthday-suit celebration Buff.

 

Masturbation

The hand shandy. The knuckle shuffle. The visit from Mr Palmer and his five filthy friends.  A good, hard fap is the perfect way to spent an afternoon, a train ride or a tea break.

 

Medical

If you’ve always dreamed of your GP handing you a prescription for hot, hard dick and taking your rectal temperature in a more slightly more personal manner.

 

MEO online store

With inventory that includes Zipper Mouth Muzzles, speculums, “Ass Locks” and Cock Extenders you’re sure to find something in time for Father’s Day at German-based MEO. Explore your Meosexuality!

www.meo.de

 

N

Naked

Nudists, naturists and all clothing-averse individuals. Also the name of mid-90s TUNE by Louise Redknapp, née Nurding.

 

O

Oral

Sex with your gob. Three words: Watch. Your. Teeth.

 

Orgy

Sex with the whole class. Highly appealing in porn, logistical nightmare in person. Usually culminates in several bored people checking their phones in the kitchen while the hottest three have at it.

 

P

Piss-pig

An individual who watches someone take a slash while yearning to take a swig. There’s a “whatever urine to” joke to be made here….just give us a minute.

 

Prowler

Whether you want Aussiebum briefs or Aussie Butt Bashers on DVD whilst you’re skipping through Soho, Prowler can sort you out.

Prowler, 5-7 Brewer Street, London W1F 0AF

 

Q

Quickie

A fun way to spice up a boring wedding or garden party. Exercise caution though, statistics we made up say that 95% of penis fractures are quickie-related.

 

R

Recon

Fetish networking site with over 40,000 members and the hosts of Fetish Week London! Plus, an online store with all manner of accoutrements too for your playtime with your new pals.

www.recon.com

 

Regulation London

Gas masks, ballgags, boots, blindfolds and even anal electrodes, Regulation offer a staggering selection of implements to help you take control, Miss Jackson.

www.regulation-london.com

 

Rimming

To quote a pal; “A kiss on the arse may be quite continental, but hygiene is a gay’s best friend”

 

S

Sauna

Sort of like a day spa, but with a different kind of facial available. Also delightful place to while away the hours between lights on and first train home.

 

Safety Word

Your opt-out phrase during rougher play. It’s best to use something totally nonsexual, like “fiscal responsibility” or “Nigel Farage”.

 

SkyHi

The SkyHi boys’ selection of synthetic schlongs will have you shooting skyward! How far will you stretch?

www.skyhi.me.uk

 

Smoking

A fit fella smoking can be extremely sexy, but if you plan on inserting that cigarillo into your slit, you might want to let it dry out in the airing cupboard after, before you spark up.

 

SM Gays

If you wanna be trussed up like a turkey on a Christmas table, SM Gays can provide info on everything from ‘erotic abrasion’ to mummification.

smgays.org

 

Steelwurx

The masters of metal, supplying you with sling frames, suspension devices, clothing and cages. Perfect for those who need to crate their pups at night.

www.nbound.co.uk

 

T

Ted’s Place

Super social bar in Fulham, run by the fab & friendly Ted. T-girl night is on Thursday, as well as sportswear and cruising events the rest of the week.

Ted’s Place, 305 North End Rd, London W14 9NS

 

Top

Near-extinct breed of gay man. Impersonators can be found everywhere, but the real deal is like gold dust.

 

U

UKRed

Are you the King of the Slingers? UKRed will make sure you have a fitting setup.

www.ukred.com

 

V

Vault

Lock yourself in the Vault! With twelve hours of cruising, seven days a week, you’re bound to find a willing cellmate. Plus, you even get a free drink!

Vault London, 139-143 Whitfield Street, London W1T 5EN

 

Vagina

Straight and bi guys seem pretty enthusiastic about this one. Different strokes, different folks…

 

Walk of Shame

The free spirit’s favourite form of morning exercise. Standard attire includes some form of mesh top, a baggie stuck to your booty shorts and a bewildered expression as you try to ascertain where the nearest Overground station is.

 

X

XXX 

Need a little pocket money? Don’t mind getting pork-poled on camera? Add this to your username on Twitter and the porn studios will come a-callin’! (Success may vary…probably dependent on penis size)

 

Y

Yellow

Another watersports/piss play term, although if yours is coming out a shade of amber, you may need to break out the Brita filter ASAP.

 

Z

Zaftig

Meaning “pleasingly plump” and often used to describe a sexually enviable figure (bubblebutt boys take note).

Advertisements

What’s on this week