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We chat to Fagulous as Theresa May

Unless you’ve been living under a rock on Mars, you will have noticed there’s an election going on right now. So this week, Jason Reid sat down for a semi-formal chat (more The One Show than Jezza Paxman) with Fagulous as Theresa May.

It wasn’t easy to secure an interview, but eventually we managed to coax the Prime Minister out of a shed in Scotland with the promise of a cone of chips… 

QX: Hello Prime Minister! Thank you for taking time out of your busy campaign schedule. Are you enjoying meeting the people of the country? 

Fagulous :The last time I spoke with a member of the public was in 1997, and it’s safe to say that members of the public are just as ghastly now as they were then. A vote for me on June 8th will strengthen Brexit negotiations to rid the UK of members of the public. Members of the public are a blight on our healthcare system, the cause of our housing crisis, and the reason we chose to leave the European Union in the first place.

You were recently on the campaign trail in Scotland. How was that? 

Scotland is a fascinating country, that is both strong and stable. A vote for me on June 8th will allow me to remove the word ‘independence’ from dictionaries published and sold in Scotland, thus aiding to the strength and stability of the country. Also, Nicola Sturgeon looks like Janette Krankie, which is all the more reason to vote for the Conservatives.

Talking of fellow leaders; may I ask, why did you and President Trump hold hands? 

Fake news. It was crooked Hillary.

Ahhhh ok, so what did you both talk about? 

We discussed trade deals, arms deals and the recent changes to the Sainsbury’s Meal Deal.

What’s your opinion of your opponent, Jeremy Corbyn? 

What you have to understand is that Jeremy Corbyn’s political beliefs go against the very nature of being British. You might agree with me when I say that the words ‘equality’, ‘fairness’ and ‘social responsibility’ are so wretched that they make me physically sick.

So why won’t you debate him? 

Simple: Television debates are crass and un-British. The people of Britain watch programmes like the X-Factor and Big Brother, they don’t have the mental capacity to sit and watch politicians engage in political discourse. I suggested to Jeremy that we did an episode of Pointless but the BBC rejected the idea.

Tell us about your manifesto. It’s doesn’t seem to be fully costed. Why is that? 
People have questioned why the numbers in our manifesto don’t add up, which is preposterous. We asked Diane Abbott to do the maths, so how could anything have gone wrong?

If you win, what will a Theresa May Britain look like?

Jeremy Corbyn wants to take Britain back to the 1970s. I want to take Britain back to the 17th Century. Inspired by Oliver Cromwell, a vote for me on June 8th will allow me to undertake the role as Lord Protector of Great Britain, a role that has been sorely missed in recent times.

Moving onto lighter topics, your husband seems like a nice chap. What do you both like to do for fun? 

Philip recently introduced me to the joys of Hampstead Heath, which he likes to frequent late at night, to de-stress. He’s been talking about Grindr a lot, which I assume is a community group for fans of the pestle and mortar. We both share a joy for cottaging – a forgotten pastime for many Brits. As Prime Minister I will do my utmost to bring back cottaging to the mainstream.

You’re a keen follower of fashion, and well known for your shoes. Do you have any exciting anecdotes about shoes, Prime Minister?

Yes I do actually. Whilst on the campaign trail in one of those unimaginably bleak Labour strongholds, someone who I can only describe as being of a lower working- class background approached me. Knowing how unpredictable the lower echelons of society can be, I armed myself with a snakeskin slingback and took the beast out in one impressive blow.

Finally, what does Brexit actually mean? 

Brexit comes from the Latin word ‘brexitus’ meaning ‘no sodding clue’. I feel this accurately describes the current political landscape of the United Kingdom.

Fagulous Election Broadcast Spectacular is at Her Upstairs on Thursday 8th June from 8pm – 4am. 

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