Looking back, 1996 was one camp year in cinema. From Drew Barrymore tussling her blonde bangs in the first Scream movie and Glenn Close playing the first lady in Mars Attacks! to Joanna Lumley discovering a giant peach in her and Miriam Margolyes’ back yard.
Ewan McGregor gave birth to heroin chic in Trainspotting and DiCaprio’s Romeo made Hawaiian shirts and middle partings cool again. Reigning supreme above all of these is, of course, The First Wives Club. Once you can get through the awful opening credits, you’re strapped in for a two-hour long ride of camp absurdity that will have you awkwardly quoting to your friends who won’t get the references. Here’s why The First Wives Club is a goddamn camp MASTERPIECE.
WHAT a main cast
You’d be hard pressed to find a film that brings together such a strong cast of sassy women. First of all, you have Diane Keaton as Annie who just brings her own unbridled joy to anything and everything she’s ever done, from Annie Hall to drooling over Justin Bieber’s abs on Ellen last year. She starts off as the pathetic doormat who’s easily taken advantage of and then rises like a phoenix from her marriage to be one boss ass bitch.
Then comes Goldie Hawn as Elise who is perhaps the greatest casting decision ever made in anything. She’s the big blonde movie star who’s struggling to find work in her later career, all the while trying to turn back the clock with plastic surgery. How EVER did she find this character within herself? Her pair of plumped lips really should’ve received their own movie credit.
Then comes Bette Midler, who’s perhaps the less obvious choice in casting, but still slays it. She’s the frumpy, dowdy, New York Jewish housewife who’s struggling to make ends meet. This is a far cry from the Divine Miss M, but she still brings all the over-the-top energy she served up as Winifred Sanderson in Hocus Pocus. The brown wig was a mistake, but we’ll forgive her.
The supporting cast is also damn fine
They invested so heavily in their three female leads, why would they bother investing in the rest of the cast? WHO THE HELL KNOWS, but we’re so glad that they did. Opening the film is a suicidal Stockard Channing (aka Rizzo from Grease), and even though she’s only on screen for a few fleeting minutes she leaves a lasting impression. Then comes the toast of New York society Gunilla Garson Goldberg, portrayed by seasoned British thespian Maggie Smith, who’s reaping the rewards from her rewards from her four failed marriages. YAS.
Taking the role of the token gold digger is Sarah Jessica Parker who’s just a few months shy of appearing in the pilot for Sex and the City. She’s the odd beauty with a banging body that’s banging every buck from Bette Midler’s ex-hubby. The other other-woman is Elizabeth Berkley who’s most known for her Worst Actress Award winning turn in Showgirls as Nomi Malone. She’s just as bad in this film but is a perfect 10 on serving up the camp.
The cameos are weird and incredible
With the main cast basically playing themselves, we always flip our damn wig when people appear on screen ACTUALLY playing themselves. Obviously, you couldn’t have a film called The First Wives Club without the world’s most famous first wife, and that’s exactly why they have Ivana Trump come over to serve up a stellar one-liner. Before she started declaring herself the First Lady of America, she was the founding member of the First Wives Club. She’s in the movie celebrating the launch of the Cynthia Swann Griffin Crisis Center for Women, a party also attended by Kathie Lee Gifford, ex-New York mayor Ed Koch, and feminist icon Gloria Steinem.
Then come the cameos that are portrayed by upcoming actors, which includes the likes of J K Simmons, who plays a federal marshal, Heather Locklear as a new girlfriend and Timothy Olyphant (of Santa Clarita Diet fame) who’s a hot new playwright. Just TOO good.
Possibly the best one-liners in cinema history
This film’s jam-packed with the best things ever said on screen. They have you rushing to your iPhone Notes just to write them down for later use. Here are some of the absolute best ones:
Brenda: What’s the matter, Morty? Can’t you buy her a whole dress?
Elise: I drink because I am a sensitive highly strung person.
Brenda: NO, that’s why your co-stars drink.
Catherine: You’re married. You have a daughter. You don’t need self-esteem.
Brenda: My, my. The bulimia has certainly paid off.
Shelly: Brenda, why don’t you try on one of these in YOUR SIZE?
Brenda: *Picks up an Oscar* Read what it says: ‘I beat Meryl.’
Brenda: Look! All those gallon jugs!
Elise: I had guests.
Brenda: Who? Guns and Roses!?
A musical number to beat all others
YOU. DON’T. OWN. ME. A feminist anthem. Sung by three of the biggest women in Hollywood. All dressed in white. With choreo. Ending with them dancing into the cobbled streets. There have been very few moments in cinematic history that have caused such widespread seizures in gay men. If you’re able to sit through this song without moving in your seat and singing along, you need to get yourself checked.
The gays feature heavily
It might have been the ’90s (which Goldie Hawn reminds us of every other line), but it was still a brave move for such a big budget film to heavily feature gay storylines. We get not one, but TWO queer characters. Well, three if you count Sarah Jessica Parker… Bette Midler’s employer is the city’s worst interior decorator, who’s also her confidant when things get tough, who helps out the girls when they need to get plotting. Then there’s Diane Keaton’s butch lesbian daughter who’s instrumental in getting her mother what she wants.
All three of our leading ladies head over to a gay bar in one scene, where comedian Lea DeLaria (Big Boo from Orange is the New Black) makes serious moves on Goldie Hawn. Flattered by the attention, they grind the night away on the dancefloor, before Bette Midler has to intervene by explaining “She’s with me BABE.”
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