For most people out, today is dedicated to a deliciously British desert where you’re invited to try your hand at Delia Smith’s simple recipe for basic pancakes, and load up on lovely sugar. However, for those of us who suffer from an ass deficiency, it’s a painful reminder of our flat behinds. Being a gay man and having your back go right into your legs is not easy, with thick tuchuses plastered all over your socials.
Twitter is also rife with vitriol against us assless creatures:
someone at the gay bar just told me my ass was flat and walked away pic.twitter.com/37uYkcPEZF
— Ruth Bader Ginstan (@booboolafool) December 1, 2017
Not to steal joy but every gay with a flat ass and a fade really decided to be Freddie Mercury, huh?
— Phillip Henry (@MajorPhilebrity) November 1, 2018
Me: if I see one more flat ass
Twitter gay: pic.twitter.com/x3zSGHXexG
— Jizzician (@northwest_gay) September 14, 2016
The butt is of more importance to a gay man, particularly one that likes to take it, because… well… duh. That doesn’t mean that if you haven’t been blessed with a Kardashian ass, you’re any less than any other guy. Let’s face it, not even Kim was ‘blessed’ with that ass. The struggle for a juicy behind is one that has left many a gay man in a desperate situation, from busted implants to padded underwear. How many gay men have you seen killing themselves on that squat machines, squealing as they force themselves into another set? The upwards climb towards a plump rump is one that is wasting gay men’s time, wasting gay men’s money, and wasting gay men’s last nerve.
It’s time to embrace our flat asses. Away with humiliating padded underwear, and in with the comfortable undies that are comfortable and look cute. You may not be a J.Lo, or a Nickie Minaj, or a Beyonce. That’s okay. Some of us are destined to be a Tailor Swift or a Wendy Williams. THAT’S OKAY. Don’t let those negative Nellies leave you feeling flatter than… well, you know. Be proud of your flat buns. Cover them in golden syrup. HAPPY PANCAKE DAY, BITCHES.