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Scene legend Lanah P dishes on charity, consumerism, politics (yikes) and the Yuletide. 

Lanah P doesn’t just reflect the spirit of Christmas, she IS the spirit of Christmas. If you have her round for Christmas lunch, she’ll pull your cracker, pull your baubles and then pull your son! Then she’ll rightly give you a speech on how the whole thing is a capitalist conspiracy.

We’ve always got time for Lanah, especially during the festive season. This year, in preparation for her annual Christmas message, we got her to reflect on politics (CAREFUL!), consumerism, charity and more.

Hey Lanah! So CHRISTMAS – what are your plans this year?

At this time of festive cheer, as we celebrate the murder of a dead Palestinian from ancient times, press ganged into selling huge amounts of booze, iPads and smartphones, I shall be taking my usual position by standing in the truth of who I am and doing as much good as I can, from wherever I am, with whatever I’ve got.

What do you think of the concept of giving?

I think charity is a cold, dark, loveless thing. If all these super rich fuckers want to help the poorest and weakest in society – which we all MUST do – then we should DEMAND that they pay their right and proper taxes instead of hiding it in the Caiman Islands. Not doling out money at a whim in order to make themselves appear wonderful, for fear the Lord Baby Jesus might be clocking their every move. Well, never mind about the lord Baby Jesus – WE are clocking them and demanding that they find their moral compasses and polish their souls. NOBODY becomes a billionaire because they pay taxes and all these servants of Mammon will pay the price at some point for eating all the mince pies. I shall also be attending the pantomime Cinderella at the Lyric Hammersmith – they do the VERY BEST. It has a lesbian love story in it.

What will you be doing on actual Christmas day?

Winter Solstice is a wonderful time of internal reflection and I love the whole day on the 25th to myself. Even if Jesus turned up at my door on that day interrupting my peace and solitude, I’d give him four nails and ask him to get somebody else to put him up for the night. After all, I’ll have helped Santa empty his sack from the night before.

If you want everyone to do one thing this Christmas, what would it be?

VOTE THE TORIES OUT! Because a vote for them or the FIBDEMS (aka Tory in yellow drag) is basically voting for your own oppression and limitations and makes you complicit in the misery and murder of 130,000 British People, 14 million people destitute and a 50% rise in homelessness including that of LGBTQ peoples. LGBTQ attacks on our streets have risen, and four million children have been forced into poverty since the Tories have been in power. VOTE LABOUR! It is not about liking Jeremy Corbyn, it is about the policies that WILL END AUSTERITY, it is about having a HUMAN POLICY.

What do YOU want for Christmas?

Well, obviously anybody in full cognition would want a better world for all. This world was never designed for somebody like me. I’ve had to fight tooth and nail for all my achievements in the face of the hetero dominant cis white privilige BEAST, from all sides and from all levels. So I wish for the black and LGBTQ+ communities to halt seeing life as a competition because it isn’t. Capitalism cannot exist without racism, misogyny, envy and LGBTQ-phobia, so stay woke to that. I’d like to see the proper distribution of wealth and for everyone to possess the correct social currency that is afforded only to the handful of archetypes. Open the doors and let down the drawbridges for all. I want to leverage the same platforms and resources that my cis heteroid A-List counterparts do in this business we call show, and not be marginalised, After all, who are they kidding behind their veneer of social civility when we know that when we lift that, there lies the rot. OOOOOOH VICIOUS! GURL!

Tell us about this year’s Christmas message. 

The true victors in this mental matrix called life are those who endure repeated challenges and setbacks, which have sent the roots of their being to such a depth that nothing can shake them. Now have a Wonderful Christmas, filled with merriment, love and light. Do good BUT PLEASE DON’T BE A CUNT!

Lanah P will be live on Soho Radio on 5th December and is appearing at Crazy Coqs as a guest of jazz legend Ian Shaw. Follow Lanah P on Instagram (@lanah.p).

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