Scroll through Grindr, Hinge, Feeld or any other dating app right now and count how many profiles say something like “seeking connection”.
So many gay men are declaring they want something deeper, something real and more meaningful.
Then, watch at the attempts to try to create that connection:
“Hi, hows u?”
“Good, u?”
“WFH, bored”
“Pics?”
Or
“What do you do?”
“I run a sensuality workshop and ecstatic dance for gay men called Pleasure Medicine”
“Cool”
…
This is not connection.
What I’ve come to realise is that connection is created through questions, curiosity and delving deeper. Connection is cultivated by genuine interest in the person on the other end of the conversation.
Even in very first early chat moments, connection is either gained or lost.
I’ve always put a lot of effort into my dating profile write ups. My current new profile on Feeld reads:
“If you like slow burns, deep chats and sizzling connection, we might get along…
Looking for conscious, caring connections. Sensual play. Friends with benefits. Something ongoing, rather than one-offs. Into sex energy, exploration, intensity, love making, light fantasies as gateways into healing / learning … let’s see.
I’m a Sexological Bodyworker and passionate about sexual healing. Write for QX magazine on sex, intimacy and embodiment.
Also a musician, conscious DJ, and creator of Pleasure Medicine, a sensuality workshop and ecstatic dance space for GBTQ men.
Not into drugs, energetic chaos, emotional unavailability or ghosting after intimacy.
I do tend to delete chats after a week or so if there’s no contact or movement. So jump in and snag me while you can
– Projector 1/3 with the right angle cross of explanation… if that means anything to you”
There’s clearly a number of conversation starting points in my introductory essay about myself. I’m sorry but “cool profile” with no follow up doesn’t cut it! Not for me anyway.
I mean if ‘Sexological Bodyworker’, ‘conscious DJ’ (WTF is that?!) and the words ‘creator of Pleasure Medicine an ecstatic dance for gay men’ isn’t enough to pique some interesting questions, I don’t know what is!?
What about “I write for QX Magazine on sex, intimacy and embodiment”
Where’s the “hey, I see you write for QX. That’s interesting! I’d love to read one of your articles” or “what the hell is a conscious DJ?!” Or “Sexological Bodyworker? Sounds fun, what’s that?”
Here’s the truth, I no longer want to have sex with someone who isn’t interested in who I am.
I don’t want to be penetrated by, or penetrate someone who doesn’t give a fuck about the way I think, the way I see the world or the things I do in life.
I don’t want to swim in the bodily fluids of someone who doesn’t know anything about me, or even care!
I’ve been there, I’ve got the t-shirt, I’ve ripped it up, soaked it in semen, sewn it back together, washed it, dried it, soaked it again, ripped it up again, thrown it away, got another t-shirt and done the same… again… again… again… and again.
I want more. And I’ve started getting more. It’s working. I’ve learned the Connection Code.
Here’s what I’ve learned (I call it the 4 C’s):
- You have to get CLEAR on what you want, and I mean exactly what you want.
- You have to COMMUNICATE what you want.
- You have to CONNECT. This means modelling how you want to communicate.
- You have to CULTIVATE. Thismeans less connections, but higher quality. And putting in time.
[I teach more about this in depth in my weekly news letter The Pleasure Portal]
We have to ask ourselves why so many of our chats end up going nowhere, entering ghost town, like all the others, even when things seemed promising at the start.
It’s because we have lost the ability to connect effectively. Why? Look at the number of profiles available at one time. Reams of faces and torsos staring back at you shouting “pick me!”
We’re overwhelmed, with too many active chats and our dopamine drivers are over worked with our minds under nourished. And, the truth is…
We just can’t be arsed! There, I said it. Admit it. We can’t be bothered.
We are hearing the death rattle of hookup culture. But we’re all still continuing to swipe and scroll pretending we don’t hear it…
The Apps Destroyed Our Curiosity
We’ve become accustomed to finding interest in a few basic qualities:
Body type, top or bottom, hung, what u into?
But the apps didn’t create this narrow focus, it was always there in gay men, but they’ve certainly exacerbated the issue. They’ve trained us into a limited, and in my opinion, harmful vocabulary.
What happened to our natural human curiosity? What happened to kindness? The apps have destroyed our humanity by emphasising these basic qualities as the most important, the only ones worth swiping for. I’m not saying they’re not important or areas that need consideration. But to base our connection process solely on this? It feels wrong…
Before the apps existed (I’m 41 years old!) you’d go out to a bar or a club and risk rejection by smiling at someone across the bar or approaching someone on the dance floor. But that rejection would only be occasional, a few times in an evening maybe…
Now, on the apps, you can be rejected multiple times before breakfast! This isn’t good for anyone’s mental health!
In the past, we could feel someone’s energy, their vibe, see their body language, watch the way their eyes sparkled or the way their head tilted back when they laughed. We could get a feel for someone by the way they held their body or the way they expressed their beliefs and ideas about the world.
We get none of that on the apps…
We’re not just tired of the apps. We’re grieving for what they stole from us.
The Harm We Carry
At my Pleasure Medicine events (my sensuality workshop and ecstatic dance for gay men), I see what this digital destruction has done to us. Men walk in carrying so much fear.
Fear of rejection. Fear of putting themselves forward and not being accepted by the tribe. Fear of not being wanted or liked.
Within the gay scene, there’s just as much segregation and judgment as outside it. It’s just in a different form. Gay men can be quite cruel to each other (but ultimately to ourselves). And it all stems from the aforementioned fear.
We grew up having to fiercely protect ourselves because we were taught that we were wrong for feeling the way we do. So we created walls and barriers, masks and strategies for protection. We became cold and distant from our brotherhood, hanging out in the same places, but never truly connecting.
We became guarded and protected, but ultimately lonely.
We entered the gay scene thinking, “At last! I’ve found my people” but what we really found was more judgment, more disconnection, more rejection and more fear.
Finding our tribe was supposed to result in safety, not danger!
What The Resurrection Looks Like
However, something beautiful happens when those walls start breaking down. When we start to let the masks gently fall away. When we drop the psychological instruments and weapons we use to protect ourselves.
I see it in the glisten of eyes and the smiles that start to form at Pleasure Medicine. I see it in the way bodies begin to loosen when these men dance. Some of the biggest transformations comes when these men let their feminine, playful, expressive sides out. They realise there is a sexiness and attractiveness in letting yourself play, be free and express. It does not make you less attractive or desirable. In fact, if it’s authentic, it makes you sexier and more seductive.
“Who’s that guy so free in his body? Playful? Fun?”
When gay men allow themselves to spin, twist, flourish and flounce to the disco beats and deep house tunes, there’s a joy and delight that pervades the room. Something that we’ve been hungry to express for so long, but never felt safe to…
One participant said in the sharing circle at the end “I’ve never felt safe to be myself around other gay men. I always felt I’m too much. Pleasure Medicine is the first time I’ve truly let myself go. And it felt amazing”.
There’s a relief that comes with this freedom and safety.
At the start of Pleasure Medicine, I run a 45 minute sensuality warm up workshop. And rather than scanning and scouting the space for the next hot guy to walk along, hoping you’ll be seen, participants partner up. Older and younger, tall and short, all ages, races, body types and cultures. They tune in to the heart, the soul, the spirit and the energy of the man in front of them. They let go of the need to hook up, to get sexual straight away. We create space to just meet a new friend, a brother, and ally, a play mate to just get curious with.
It’s surprising and beautiful what kind of new connection can emerge beyond just the sexual or the physical; the inner child can come out to play, it can be fun, silly, deep, profound, emotional and ultimately healing.
At Pleasure Medicine, gay men aren’t necessarily learning something new. They’re actually remembering how we truly are at our core. Humans are fundamentally kind, loving and we desire connection. It’s built into the fabric of our being. People that aren’t this way have simply lost this connection to a deeper part of themselves.
I see gay men going beyond sexual attraction and back to attraction as friends, people with common interests, brothers and humans having fun. If something romantic or sexual comes from that, I celebrate it. But it’s healing to not feel the pressure to lead with that.
We’ve done that for too long and it’s become lifeless for so many of us. For some of us, it has even become harmful…
The New Intimacy Revolution
We’ve reached a point where we all can see and feel the deadness of the apps. We know on some level it’s over. The routine is the same: match, pic swap, brief chat, ghost, maybe hook up if we’re lucky, average sex, ghost… and repeat.
We are over it. And yet we can’t seem to stop. That’s because we need something to replace it. When we turn away from something we need another thing to turn towards.
But the options seem to be limited. However, there is a growing and emerging new scene of conscious events, spiritual workshops, tantra for gay men and alternative things to do. You have to know where to look…
So, what’s replacing hookup culture?
First of all it’s about slowing down again. Connecting with our natural human instinct for curiosity. And inviting friendship that can blossom into love or sex (or not!)
It’s about care, kindness, clarity, connection, communication and community…
Rather than trying to find an instant hookup, you start to focus on finding real community and connection through common interests that light you up and bring you delight, depth and joy. That’s where we find love. That’s where we find sensual connection… in the things we have in common.
But this way of living requires practice. We need to make the effort to change the neural pathways of hookup behaviour, swiping and scrolling.
But you have to want it first. You have to feel that desire. If you don’t want to change, don’t. If you don’t want something new, ignore this article. If it’s working for you, great!
But if you do crave something new, spaces like Pleasure Medicine are here to support you, to introduce you to the community you’ve been seeking and to teach you how to cultivate the connection you want.
Learning Vulnerability Again
The hardest part is opening your heart and being vulnerable. Opening yourself to the fear of not being accepted, of rejection, of not being wanted or liked. And realising “oh, that’s not what’s happening here!”
That vulnerability is the exact opposite of the armour that protected us as kids growing up gay.
When someone finally takes that risk and opens up and they see that they are accepted, that they can just be themselves, everything changes.
The Obituary and the Resurrection
If I had to write the obituary for hookup culture, I’d say: “It killed our capacity for kindness”
What’s being resurrected in its place? Kindness, connection, care, community, self-expression, magic, joy, delight and love.
This isn’t just essential for our community. It’s essential for our humanity.
We aren’t designed to look at screens and judge torso pics.
We aren’t built to search, seek, scroll and swipe in the hungry way we do.
We are built for connection and intimacy, love and care.
Gay men are lonely. It’s as simple as that.
When we don’t get connection from our own people, the pain runs deeper than not getting it from society in general.
Connection is essential for human survival. The apps promised to deliver it and gave us the opposite.
Now we must learn to create it again, one vulnerable moment at a time.
The revolution isn’t happening on the apps.
It’s happening in rooms where gay men are remembering how to look into each other’s eyes, how to laugh together, how to be curious about each other beyond body type and sexual position.
Are you ready to move toward something we’ve always needed but forgot how to create: genuine human connection?
About Gary
Gary is a therapist, embodiment facilitator, somatic erotic bodyworker, award-winning music maker, conscious DJ and writer. He’s the creator of Pleasure Medicine, a bi-weekly sensuality workshop and ecstatic dance for gay men in London that blends conscious movement with intimate, embodied connection.
With over a decade of experience as a therapist, Gary is devoted to helping gay men unlock their pleasure centres, soften shame and rediscover joy, intimacy and sensuality through dance, touch and celebratory sexuality.
He is a guest columnist for queer culture magazines and writes personal essays, opinion pieces and cultural reflections—always from the perspective of being in the waters with the reader, trying to work it all out together.
- Book your ‘Pleasure Medicine’ ticket here: www.pleasuremedicine.co.uk
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- Touch Me Workshop: a guided intimacy, sensual touch and massage workshop for gay men: www.pleasuremedicine.co.uk/touch-me
