We took a look at the less desirable dwellers of Orgy Village a fortnight ago and, with it being our kinkiest issue of the year, we decided to delve into the Valley of Fetish… Fist first, naturally. When it rains, the showers are golden, and when it shines the inhabitants take to hills to tan their behinds.

The policemen aren’t the only ones that carry truncheons and the lollipop ladies wear latex. The postman’s on poppers and there are no laws against sexual servitude. Here are some of the townspeople you may encounter in the valley…

Newbie Nymph

He may be inexperienced, but he has desires darker than Lennie Henry’s ball sack. He’ll test the waters with a fetching harness on the Monday and come Friday will have his feet in the stirrups begging you to “giddy-up”. When Sunday arrives and he’s dangling from the ceiling like a marionette doll and trussed up in rope like a joint of gammon, he can’t help but think that maybe they should have devised a “safe word”.

Nancy Novice

He may not be trolling the fetish clubs in nipple clamps and collars, but he’ll certainly give it a go – especially if they can pass as this year’s Autumn/Winter trends. He’s had his fair share of filthy sex, but when you pull out a butt plug the size of the Shard, there’s a chance he’ll be quivering in his boots (and not in the good way).

Vanessa Vanilla

The only fetish he’ll ever try is outdoors, and even then he moans when he gets mud down his leg – wait, was that mud? He can’t fathom why anyone would dress up in leather when they’re not recreating the ‘Oops I Did It Again’ video, and the kinkiest thing you’ll find in his bedside drawer is a copy of 50 Shades of Grey (I guess that’s a form of scat). But I wouldn’t even mention the dog lead you’ve got in your bag – he’d probably just ask where your puppy was.

The Connoisseur of Kink

He doesn’t leave the house without a travel-size douche and compact fisting powder (and that’s not even for him). When it comes to sex, pretty much anything goes – and we mean anything. He’s got more fetish wear than he does footwear, and if you say “spank me” he says “paddle or palm?” – through the zip in his gimp mask, of course.

Rare Rambler

This one has slightly more obscure fetishes than the parties being held in basements across the valley. He’ll frequently have to trawl through filthy forums to find someone into similar turn-ons. Alas, finding another hobbit in the valley that enjoys writhing around in latex stilettos while wanking onto a bed of banana skins, is not as easy as he’d hoped.

The Faux Fetishist

This young boy likes to pretend he’s down with fetish, but is way out of his depth. His eyes are frequently bigger than his belly (and in many cases his butthole), but when it comes to kink, he likes to play with the big boys – and sometimes bites off more than he can chew (which is certainly true with the 12-incher he thought he could stomach – and we’re not talking about a foot long Sub). Cut to him shrieking for help when his lungs are getting a good puncturing and he’s being made to lick the corns off his partner’s feet.

OUR TOP (AND BOTTOM) TIPS:

1/ Play Safe

Whether rubber is your forté or not, playing safe keeps your fella healthy for more fun times.

2/ Have fun

Indulging in fetishes is about dressing up, getting your rocks off and not taking it too seriously. So save the bitchy remarks about the cum-guzzling pig for Paris Hilton.

3/ Don’t Be Scared To Experiment

Sexuality was made to be played around with and you may uncover a new button pusher.