Check out your New Year stars as our horoscopes are read by northern cabaret mystic diva extraordinaire Myra Dubois.
When QX first asked me to write horoscopes for their readers (that’s you!) I’ll admit I was hesitant… It’s a big ask, dishing out lifestyle advice based on the chance positioning of a few stars. For a start, I’ve got no qualifications, experience or interest in Astrology. I wasn’t sure it was a risk I was willing to take. Then they offered me money so I said ‘OK’. So here it is kids! Your Christmas stars read by me, Myra DuBois. Woefully under qualified and only in it for the money. If you’re stupid enough to follow any of the following advice then you’ve only got yourselves to blame. Enjoy.
Aries
You’re the first sign of the Zodiac and, apparently, a natural leader; strong and sure. Quite frankly, you’re arrogant and need bringing down a peg or two. Spend the festive season stewing over your faults. It’ll be good for your soul.
Taurus
Taurus sounds a bit like ‘Tore-Arse” doesn’t it, Taurus? Take great inspiration from this. Head to your local club-in-a-railway-arch (tip; South London has loads) and get your hole ripped in two by some 7ft tall, 6ft wide heavily tattooed muscle bear with a neck like an ox and a dick like a bollard. Treat yourself.
Gemini
I’m a Gemini, and we’re wonderful. Do what the hell you like Gemini. I trust your judgement.
Cancer
Life can be tough when your namesake is a terminal disease, can’t it Cancer? Why not become a festive serial killer to cheer yourself up? That way, you can introduce the catchphrase “I guess the Cancer killed you” before you strike. Technically, ‘A Cancerian’ would be correct, but let’s not get wrapped up in semantics.
Leo
I once dated a Leo. Whether he was a Leo, or simply called Leo, I’ve forgotten, but the long and short of it is I never heard from him again. What’s your problem, Leo? Sort it out.
Virgo
John Virgo was the best thing on Jim Davidson’s Big Break, followed very closely by the theme tune. I only hope you’re old enough to remember it. What I’m saying is life might require a few trick shots, Virgo. Or at least, a jazzy waistcoat.
Libra
You’re ruled by Uranus, Libra. Not really, but this is a horoscope and I had to use that joke somewhere. Sorry. A quick look on Wikipedia tells me that you’re ruled by Venus, which is a terrific song by Bananarama, so congratulations on that front.
Scorpio
You’re going to die. Sorry. But you’re not alone; we’re all going to die! But you first. Perhaps try another magazine for a brighter outlook?
Sagitarius
The internet tells me you’re a very positive sign. Naturally jovial with luck falling in every path you take. God, you people get on my tits. Piss off, Sagittarius.
Capricorn
You may be feeling a little down, what with your birthday falling so near Christmas. But think about it this way, Jesus was a Capricorn! And he had a great life until they crucified him. So cheer up!
Aquarius
Aquarius The band ‘5th Dimension’ had a terrific song out of the musical ‘Hair’. A real good, feel good floor filler! What more do you want from life?! Enjoy your lot, Aquarius.
Pisces
Very fishy!
Myra Dubois performs regularly at The RVT, 372 Kennington Lane, Vauxhall, SE11 5HY.
