Annoying Christmas Crap – The most tiresome things about Christmas

Are you FEELIN’ FESTIVE? We’re not. Ugh. Just kidding WE ARE HAHAHA! We love it! Christmas jumpers, for example – aren’t they just so ironic and hilarious. Love ‘em! “Look, I’m wearing a Christmas jumper, even though it’s hideous.” Such clever humour.

And how about CHRISTMAS SONGS! They’re so fun and well made, not tiresome or mass-produced at all! “All I Want For Christmas Is You” – such inventive lyrics. We “stan”.

Anyway, Christmas is about doing the same thing every year, isn’t it? Last year we did a guide to the festive season, so this year we’re doing another one. But this one’s about how annoying everything is. Merry bloody Christmas!

People always talk about Walkers releasing a quirky Christmas flavour
This year it’s Brussels Sprout flavour, and everyone thinks it’s disgusting. But everyone’s talking about it. Including us. Very clever marketing, well done Walkers!

Someone cheats on their long-term partner
This mostly just applies to straight people, because most LGBTs either have open relationships, or have enough self-control not to cheat. It’s a well-kept secret, but straight people are actually MUCH messier and irresponsible than we are, especially after that tenth Christmas Corona.

People talk about the Doctor Who Christmas episode
Ooh it’s got Kylie in it! Ooh it’s got a big alien spider under the Thames! Ooh someone dies! Ooh Billie Piper needs to get her roots done! Ooh this one’s not even airing at Christmas!

Anger about Christmas trees
Everyone is INCENSED if people put Christmas trees up before 1st December. Apparently those people are “BAD PEOPLE” – because they’ve put a tree in their house a week early. Meanwhile, the planet spins slowly into climate disaster and, ultimately, extinction and oblivion.

Mariah Carey does a TV performance that people say is either good or shit
Usually Mariah performs on a float or on an SNL Christmas special or something. Sometimes people are like “Oooh it’s amazing, she really embodies the spirit of Christmas we’re so lucky to have her!” and sometimes people will all be like “Oh my god, why does she have so much money, she can’t even sing!” All very exciting.

People always say it’s earlier this year
Seemingly EVERY year, Christmas comes earlier. And the general consensus, is that “it didn’t come around this early last year!” Which of course is ridiculous and impossible. If it really did come earlier every year, we’d currently be having 2050’s Christmas, right now. Or whatever. But yes, the lights apparently always go up earlier, the adverts allegedly are always on earlier, etc etc.

Tourists coming to London thinking they’re in a Richard Curtis movie
You’re not in Love Actually, you’re in Leicester Square Burger King. Get a grip.

The dilemma of leaving London or not
There’s always a scraggly group of friends (usually the messy fun ones) staying in London for Christmas, and they always ask if you want to join them and you DO want to but you also want to go home and raid the fridge for four days but also the trains are always a nightmare and London IS amazing at Christmas because it’s so quiet but if you don’t go home your parents will guilt trip you until July and OH DECISIONS DECISIONS.

Everyone talking about their Christmas plans
Who cares. You might as well talk about what time you brush your teeth in the morning. Utterly meaningless small talk, even by small talk standards.

“What are you doing for New Year’s Eve?”
I DUNNO ALRIGHT STOP ASKING ME I MIGHT BE DEAD BY THEN JUST FUCK OFF.

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