Gareth’s Dating Disasters – the queer musical cabaret hitting Chelsea

We catch up with cabaret performer and hopeless romantic Gareth Edward ahead of his show in Chelsea.

 So Gareth, tell us what this upcoming performance is all about!

 It’s called Gareth’s Dating Disasters because it’s very much based on my bad experiences of everything going wrong. A mixture of bingo, cabaret and comedy, making it a mash-up of different styles. It’s basically 75 bad dates that I’ve been on, which are the 75 bingo balls they’ll be playing with. Instead of numbers, I’ve got 75 bad dates… Most of the bad dates that I’ve been on are very relatable, one being the “masc for masc” for example, and another had me deleting the apps. They tend to resonate in some way.

I started thinking, is this just me or it’s really quite crappy how we treat each other in this new world of digital dating. It’s grown in popularity, but people are relating to it so much. There are also a few songs in there, there’s one called “Accidentally Unfaithful” which leads to “Back on the Apps”.

 Oh, we can definitely see the link there. So what made you want to get your stories out there? Did you just get fed up with dating?

I remember thinking this is completely ridiculous, I’m either going to cry or laugh. It was so horrific, and just almost funny. My own behaviour was questionable, like why am I going over to stranger’s houses in the middle of the night who have been quite rude to me? I miss the traditional way I use to date.

The way I started was coming out of a 13-year relationship so most of my ’20s I was with this guy, then after I was entering this scene where the apps are dominating. There weren’t any apps the last time I was single. There was Gaydar, but that’s going back a bit now… The things that were considered acceptable had changed. I wrote the show party to try and understand what had changed, and to express my frustration.

What would you say’s the worst message you’ve received on those apps

Ghosting’s probably THE worst because it’s not even a message. They just delete all record of the contact, so sometimes even after you’ve met them in real life without an explanation they just wipe the connection almost like it never happened. I’m not alone in being ghosted.

Have you ever ghosted yourself?

I haven’t actually ghosted myself, I’ve always said “Look, this is the reason this isn’t working” or “Nice to meet you” so I’ve never really understood ghosting.

What would you say to anyone who actually has ghosted someone in the past

It’s hard not to judge people who do it… It’s just giving a reason as to why you’re not perusing it, even if it’s just saying “I don’t feel the connection”. Dumping people by text I also found shocking. This guy texted me half way through a holiday and said: “I thought I’d do it half way through so you could enjoy the first half, and then by the end, you won’t be pissed off.” He decided for me how I should feel, and when I should be feeling them.

Flash-forward to you on the plane home still SEETHING. So going back to those one-night hook-ups via an app, can you think of a particularly horrifying experience? 

There’s a few that are now in the show. One man said he had an “extra large Henry”, and it turns out he just collected vacuum cleaners.

WHAT!?

Yeah, just a collection of vacuum cleaners.

It didn’t get involved in the… you know… 

No, no. I just don’t like things being in the room. Henry was watching me. One guy was really interested in talking about Jane Austen novels which I found to be quite strange foreplay. Didn’t really work out that one…

Have you ever tried those more serious dating apps?  

Yeah, but I’m just a traditional person. I’m worried that traditional dating is dying off here in London. Although I’m hopeful, it’s getting rarer and rarer to find what I would call a second date. People in London are always looking for something better around the corner. They just don’t allow themselves to fall in love without getting scared and running away to the next thing. 

Since your show’s called ‘Dating Disasters’, do you have any first date deal-breakers?

Probably talking about marriage and cats. I love cats but I’m very particular about who I share them with. The first date’s way too soon for cats. 

What would you say are the rules of first date etiquette?

Listen. As far as advice I’m basically an example of how not to do it. So not being me is a good starting point. DON’T say what you really think, I’m always way too honest on first dates. Then just be nice and courteous.

Simple enough. What about the dating app first message?

Again, I can tell you what not to do. This guy from LA told me I had great teeth for a British person… Yeah, so I just told him he had nice manners for an American.

Oft, BURN. You can catch Gareth Edward (@Gar_Edward) hosting Gareth’s Dating Disasters at The Pheasantry, Chelsea SW3 4UT on June 6^th. Head over to GarethEdward.com for tickets.