Yes dears, it’s upon us once again. That one week a year where queens have to choose between packing food or just one more blonde wig. Glastonbury 2019 is set to be the queerest one to date, with gay allies and icons taking the weekend’s biggest slots, shoving them to the brim with that rainbow energy. We’re looking at you Lizzo. With so much going off, seemingly all at the same time, we’re here to fill you in on what to look out for to quench your big gay appetite.
Friday – 28th of June
Waking up for the biggest weekend of this summer all sticky in a humid tent, you better make sure the look is on point before heading out for the day. Arm yourself with the basics you’ll be needing, from suncream to a fat stack of condoms. Jumping into the festival’s unrelenting tide for the day, be sure to have your running shoes on because there’s so much to lay your ears on.
Kick off your Friday at the main stage with Bjorn Again at 11:45 am, the only tribute band that has as much renown as the band they’re imitating. This year had the world once again erupting into Abba Feaver with the release of Mamma Mia 2 and that astonishing album of covers from our lady Cher. Some Abba is sure to get your gay juices flowing, and your heart fluttering with joy at the start of your weekend. Keeping with the uncanny and psychedelic vibe, stop by the West Holts stage to catch Acid Mothers Temple & the Melting Paraiso U.F.O at 1 pm because, well, the name just says it all really. Japanese psychedelic rock. How CAMP.
If your brain feels capable of holding a coherent thought, then a big queer debate is taking over Left Feild on Friday afternoon. The Queer Liberation – How far have we come? debate kicks off at 1:30 pm where a panel of activists will talk out the issue facing our community. It’s important to take a breather from the revelry to expand your mind and maybe learn a thing or two.
You’re then free to roam the fields like Florence Welch in a peasant dress on a comedown all afternoon just soaking in the vibes, or if you’re already bored of what you’re wearing, run back for an outfit change. Why NOT. Just make sure you’re back to catch Ms Lauryn Hill on the Main Stage at 6 pm. She’s an American treasure whose only solo studio album The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill broke records across the board, cementing her as one of the freshest voices in Neo Soul. Let’s just hope she’ll be getting Back in the Habit for a few songs during her set. Glastonbury needs dancing nuns and Whoopi Goldberg.
Once Ms Hill’s set wraps up, there are a bunch of exciting new acts playing the rest of the evening so you can avoid the lame straight boys getting down to George Ezra and Stormzy. Stromzy might be a rare talent, but his Love Island cameo has made him an icon for an entire generation of skinny soft boys in bucket hats and cross-body bum bags. If you’re looking for something a little fresher then Aurora is playing the John Peel Stage at 7:30 pm. She’s the Norwegian singer-songwriter who’s giving Tove Lo a run for her money, with an edgy East London scene girl aesthetic paired with mesmeric lyricism and that Scandi sincere sensibility. If it’s some head-banging you’re looking to get into, brace your kneck for English punk rock sensation Idles over on The Park Stag at 7:45 pm. Their take on the genre takes on toxic masculinity, grabbing it by the jockstrap and bitting its lip.
Of course, you’ll be finishing the night at what’s been dubbed the best queer club in the entire fucking world, the Block 9 stage NYC Downlow. They kicked off ceremonies the evening before with an all-out naughty party featuring all things leather and debauched. On Friday night they’re paying homage to underrated gay icon Janet Jackson, where folks will be serving some Rhythm Nation looks, featuring big crimped hair and a sensible shoe. If you’re still going when this party wraps up, have a long sit down and a KitKat because your Saturday’s set to be PAINFUL.
Saturday – 29th of June
Nursing a heavy head, you can take it easy on Saturday. The day’s first few hours are bound to be spent trying to find your way back to your own tent. You can’t quite remember what it looks like, but can distinctly remember leaving your patent leather knee boots outside of it to dry. Once you’re back in your own sleeping bag, be sure to re-hydrate and gorge yourself on whatever snacks you’ve brought with you… if there are any left by this point. Thankfully your faves won’t be on until later on, so indulge yourself in a disco-nap. Since you’re not too devoted to any afternoon happenings, why not check out the safe-space playground that is Shangri-La where “hope is blossoming, truth is unfurling and respect is regenerating these once polluted playing fields”. Call by Transmissions at the activist hub where they’ll be hosting workshops and performances for and by trans+ folk, open from 2 pm to 6 pm. (They’re also open from 10 pm to 2 am if you’re looking to get your boogie on).
Then it comes time for THE DECISION. A decision so difficult that it makes Sophie’s Choice look like a romantic comedy. When the evening of fab performers finally comes you’ll be forced to chose between the bountiful feel-good musical stylings of bad girl du jour Lizzo who’s taking to the West Holts stage at 5:30 pm, and the living folk tale that is Janet effing Jackson who’ll be on the Main Stage at 5:45 pm. Both are powerful women who’re sure to put on one hell of a show. We can’t advise you either way, you’ll have to go with your heart on this one.
Cooling down from the performance you decided to go with, mourning the loss of the one you didn’t make it to, you need something familiar and chilled. Sigrid takes to The Other Stage at 7 pm who’s sure to bring you down to a happy medium after the extasy a Lizzo or Janet Jackson set has given you. Her youthful vigour and clean sound will set you on the right path ahead of your night going full throttle.
Once again, NYC Downlow will be getting off the hook with a tantalising combination of drag queens and boys in jock straps. Getting the party going from 10pm-midnight will be Plastik People whose ’90s garage mixes are legendary. With your itsy-bitsy caboose in the night’s tight grip, you can really let loose because no matter how many Roisin Murphys there are floating about the place, you are just in a field in Somerset. Go on, make a tit of yourself hun!
Sunday – 30th of June
There’s no time to let those last day of Glastonbury blues set in on Sunday, get up and get out because there’s way too much to see. Just throw on a jockstrap and a kimono and hit the field.
Start your day with the sensual stylings of bona fide sex god Jeff Goldblum (you know, the one from Jurassic Park and that movie where he turns into a fly) who’s taking to the stage of West Holts with The Mildred Snitzer Orchestra at 2 pm. He reaches unbelievable levels of sexuality just saying words on-screen, so can you imagine the sexual magnetism that emanates from him when you catch him performing on stage in the flesh. GUSH! You just have a few moments to run and change your wet knickers before it’s time for the gayest set hits the Main Stage.
KYLIE MINOGUE will take to the stage for the legends slot on the Main Stage at 3:45pm, presumably in cowboy boots, some gold hot pants and a messy top knot to whack out her belters from over the years. She was due to perform on the big stage over a decade ago but had to back out because of health reasons, which makes her performance this year all the more exhilarating. She’s already pegged the performance a “massive sing-a-long” so we’re guaranteed to be treated to some throwback classics. Low-cut white satin hoodies and nipple tape at the ready boys!
You can then stick around and secure your place to watch Ashley O impersonator Miley Cyrus take over at 5:45 pm, who always gives production value. There’s no word yet on whether she’ll be donning the instantly iconic short purple bob, but we sure damn hope she will. Because it’s Glastonbury, you’re welcome to daydream about the guests she’s potentially bringing along with her, especially since RuPaul was recently featured on one of her new tracks, and it is Pride month so… We’re somewhere between speculating and hoping. Give us drag on the main stage!
Though not as divisive as the choice the day before, there are plenty of clashes after Miley’s set, with some fab performers taking to different stages miles away from each other at the same time. We have a headache already. We suggest sprinting to catch a few songs from the world-dominating Stefflon Don on the John Peel Stage at 6:30 pm as a delectable pallet cleanser, before running to catch Billie Eilish on The Other Stage at 6:45 pm. Shrouded in an oversized designer tracks suit, with all the energy of your senile grandmother after popping that Xanny, Billie’s just a cool girl. At her age, you were begging to borrow a fake ID so you could pick up some WKD’s ahead of a party behind a bike shed. Ughhh, Gen Z. How we envy you.
By this point in the week, you’re sure to be running on empty, so if you’re looking to take it easy for a few hours you can take yourself out and catch Madeleine Peyroux on the Acoustic Stage at 6:40 pm. Her rendition of “Weary Blues” closed the first season of Netflix’s Grace and Frankie and is simply heavenly. Sure to feed your weary soul. Her brand of smooth jazz is guaranteed to bring you back to those Norah Jones and Regina Spektor days of the late ’00s.
The evening brings with it yet another clash. Is there a Glastonbury initiative about getting the queers their cardio this year? Running from stage to stage to catch a flavour of our faves is gearing up to be heavier going than the marathon. Janelle Monáe and her vagina pants take to the stage of the West Holts stage at 9:45 pm, as Christine and the Queens storms The Other Stage at 10 pm. It’s glorious to see queer women succeeding but dear LORD it’s exhausting. Again, go with your heart on this one. It’s down to you, if you’re feeling like having one in the PYNK or if you’re looking to get a little Tilted.
And so the time has come to go full throttle on the festival’s final evening of dissolute voluptuary. The folks at NYC Downlow are giving the queer exactly what they want, celebrating 50 years since Stonewall with a late ’60s inspired, retro-queer extravaganza.
