Kim Cattrall in Horrible Histories movie, we have questions

Kim Cattrall Horrible Histories
Kim Cattrall as Aggripina in Horrible Histories - The Movie (out July 26th).

Kim Cattrall is in the Horrible Histories movie and we have some questions

“All hail my son, Emperor Nero”

Let us set the scene. You’re hurriedly walking into work, running around 10 minutes late with no time to grab your morning Pret 99p filter coffee, when all of the sudden you see something out of the corner of your eye. As a double-decker whizzes by, you spot the poster splayed across its side. Horrible Histories – The Movie. You recall your nephew singing something about Henry VIII’s wives that he’d learnt from the BBC sketch comedy show, (“Divorced, Beheaded and died…”) and think “A movie? Really? Okay.” Then, all of a sudden you spot a familiar face amongst the cast of characters. Draped in a flowing dark green dress, a golden crown nestled in her flowing blonde locks, Sex and the City‘s Samantha Jones. Well, actually, it’s actress Kim Cattrall but it took you a few minutes to remember her real name. 

You stand there stunned by what you’ve seen, dumb-struck by the rush of questions whizzing through your mind. With a clouded mind, you contemplate calling into work sick, but you cast your thoughts aside and power through. Here are a few of those questions you must have cast aside:

“Why would Kim say yes to this?”

Remember that scene in Sex and the City 2 when Liza Minnelli emerges at Stanford and Anthony’s wedding to officiate the ceremony and she turns to Cynthia Nixon to ask “Why would Liza say yes to this?” Well, Kim, we have the same question. We know that comedy has always been your thing, and your love for all things English has earned you honorary British grande dame status, but surely there’s another Agatha Christie murder victim role out there for you?

“Is THIS why Kim Cattrall couldn’t do the third SATC movie?”

It sent outrage across the community of TV-loving gays when Cattrall didn’t sign on for the third movie. Yes, the second movie was a horror show, but that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t be willing to give a third the benefit of the doubt. She went on human blob fish Pierce Morgan’s show to talk trash about her co-stars and the hearts of an entire queer nation broke. We’d be ready to forgive her if she chose to pursue something impressive, an Oscar-worthy gritty performance à la Jennifer Anniston in Cake perhaps… but THIS!?

“Will we get some more Kim Cattrall skat singing?”

Kim Cattrall

“I read poetry and sonnets and he plays the bass.”

“Yamma kippa yay, bo, said a rayba kay, both, in dog Latin he quoth, you jay, sofa soray!”

“Kim Cattrall is… GHOST MOM”

In the movie, she portrays Agrippina the Young, mother of Emperor Nero. She’s rumoured to have killed her husband in order for her son to ascend to the throne, therefore having a huge influence on the Empire’s politics. Rumours quickly circulated that Nero was the one who killed his mother having grown tired of her iron grip around his tuchas. Following her death, she was put in a grave but not covered. Her passing weighed heavily on her son’s conscious, to the extent that he had nightmares about her and even saw his mother’s ghost. If there’s one thing we want from this movie it’s Cattrall in the role of vengeful ghost mom. Here for it. 

“Okay, it’s a kid’s movie but SURELY we’ll get a few dick jones?”

Whether she likes it or not, it’s her trademark. With the pursue of a lip and the arch of an eye brow, she bleeds innuendo. We’re wondering if it is her sexual liberalism that landed her this role, but as an actress is there anything Cattrall can do that’s child-appropriate? One thing’s clear is that you need to get a gaggle of gays together, sneak a few bottles of wine into the movie theatre, and giggle at every line she delivers because she is a comic genius. 

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