How would you feel if the supposedly inclusive gay world we are a part of cut you off? Feelings of being isolated, alone and rejected are some of the battles some guys in our community face on an almost daily basis. Anthony Gilét met Shane Valentine, Maximus Crown and ‘Mark’ (who didn’t want to be identified) to find out why. Read on…
SHANE VALENTINE, 26, Senior Pathway Manager for NHS
What spurred your decision to be open about your status?
For me, one of the biggest fears was disclosure. There is still so much stigma attached to being HIV+, the thought of telling people terrified me. Then one of my friends who works at QX suggested publishing my story in an article to help raise awareness. At first I wasn’t so sure, but the more I thought about it, the more the idea appealed to me. If it helped just one other person then it would all be worth it.
What are the positive aspects about being open with your diagnosis?
It’s taken a massive weight off my shoulders. Being open in such a big way meant I didn’t have to worry about disclosing my status any longer.
How has your lifestyle changed since ‘coming out’ so to speak?
To be honest, my lifestyle hasn’t change a great deal, I still do everything I had before the diagnosis and then some. The only real difference is having to make sure I remember to take my meds everyday.
What’s been the reaction to your previous articles with QX?
The reaction from my first article was completely overwhelming! I had messages from strangers congratulating me for being so open, from other positive lads asking for advice, or just to say how I had given them inspiration to disclose their own status.
Do you tell all your partners that you’re HIV+?
When I met my current partner it took a couple of dates before it came up, as we didn’t jump straight into bed. When I did speak to him about it, it just wasn’t an issue for him. Maybe I’m one of the lucky ones, but it just goes to show that there are good guys out there who see beyond your status.
Do you feel that you’re judged on the gay scene for being HIV+?
I can’t say that I’m aware of being judged by anyone… but if I was then I wouldn’t let it bother me.
How does that make you feel?
Narrow minded people get right on my goat, I just hope that they never find themselves on the receiving end of it. Karma’s a beautiful thing.
What do you believe is the biggest misconception about being HIV+?
I think how you can contract it. I’ve heard all sorts of theories about how this is possible: sharing towels, kissing, drinking from the same cup, or even eating from the same cutlery even after being washed. It just goes to demonstrate the lack of knowledge a lot of people have surrounding HIV.
Do you have a message for gay men dealing with the gravitas of having just been diagnosed?
I would say don’t be afraid to ask for help. It can be a very lonely position to be in, especially if you feel you can’t disclose to your friends and family. THT provide an amazing group session for newly diagnosed gay men. For those feeling braver, I’d really urge you to be as open about your status as you feel comfortable doing. If the stigma around HIV is to ever be lifted then it needs to be talked about and people need to be educated. Lastly, to those who are fortunate enough to be – or to think they are negative – know your status. This epidemic will never end if we don’t all take responsibility for our own sexual health.
MAXIMUS CROWN, 23, DJ
Did you ever think that you would be diagnosed as positive?
No, not at all. I remember the day that I got tested, I assumed that I’d be fine. Like when you go in, it’s like “there’ll be nothing back anyway”, and then when you do hear something back, it’s like “Oh, my, God…”
Most people have the opportunity to decide whether or not they want to be open about it. Do you wanna run through what happened to you?
Basically, a friend of mine, that I’d fallen out with at the time, went on to a Facebook event that I was DJing at and basically told everyone that I was HIV+, and then started to make up stories about how I was sleeping with people unprotected and not telling them. And so on and so on…
Do you think you would have been open about it anyway, had that not have happened?
I think I wanted to be open about it. And this is one thing I always say, having HIV is almost like coming out the closet again, you want everyone to know, you just don’t want to be the one to tell them.
Do you tell everyone that you sleep with now?
I do, yeah… There’s not really been any backlash, but that’s because I don’t really sleep with a lot of people anymore. [Laughs]
How has it changed your lifestyle and career?
It hasn’t. It’s really weird, the thing with HIV is that everybody thinks it’s going to change everything about your life, but actually, when you’re diagnosed, nothing changes.
I mean, the reason why it’s such a huge secret is because people are uneducated about it…
Exactly! That’s it, the reason it get’s passed on is because people don’t want to tell anyone because they’ll be judged. The fear! The fear and the lack of education is what helps to perpetuate the problem.
And the judgment…
Yeah, that’s it. Because of the negative stigma that surrounds it, like people think “you must be a dirty slut!” and people are like “what are the neighbours gonna think?” They’re gonna think I’m a dirty little whore, so I won’t tell anyone. When that again isn’t the case.
So, if you could take back the situation, would you take it back?
I don’t think I would. When it happened, I did think, ‘Oh my God, my world is gonna end’. But within about an hour, I was getting so much support from people, saying “just because you’ve got HIV doesn’t mean anything’s changed, you’re still the same person, we’re still here for you.”
What do you think is the biggest misconception surrounding HIV?
The biggest misconception is that HIV and AIDS are part and parcel and that if you get one you are going to die. Which isn’t true at all. When I was first diagnosed that’s what I thought, but speaking to friends and the doctors, they were like, “that’s not the case.”
MARK, 26, Recruitment Consultant (identity concealed by request)
Why have you decided not to be open about being HIV+?
When I was diagnosed I kept asking “why me? What have I done to deserve this punishment?” I felt so ashamed. I know that I shouldn’t be. I’ve only had unprotected sex once, but that’s all it took. I knew it wasn’t a result of sleeping with loads of lads, but regardless of that, the world would think it was anyway.
Despite not being open about it, do you ever tell partners that you’re positive?
I couldn’t face the rejection of telling someone I really liked that I was positive, but it hasn’t really come up. When I do have sex it tends to be one-night stands, that sometimes I don’t tell – but make sure we’re always safe. If I do tell them, the rejection isn’t as hard to take.
Will you ever change your mind about disclosing your status?
I’ve read some inspiring interviews and stuff about people who are positive, but when it comes down to it – I’m just not brave enough at the moment.
Why not?
I couldn’t bare what people would think or say about me. Although, the more people that are open about it, I have a bit more courage. Sometimes I think about how much easier my life would be if I could tell everyone, or if I’d just been a bit more careful.
What do you believe is the biggest misconception about HIV?
Probably that everybody who is HIV+ deserves it. It’s not something that anyone would ever say, but most people think it without helping it. People tend to think, “Oh they’ve got HIV, they must’ve been getting trashed on drugs and having bareback sex.” Which isn’t true. I was silly, and got really drunk while I was on holiday. But it doesn’t matter what the circumstances are, you’re always at risk. Whether the person I caught it off knew he had HIV or not, I don’t know. But it just shows you can’t trust anyone.
How did it feel, knowing that he had unprotected sex with you, and either didn’t know his status or knew and didn’t inform you?
I felt completely betrayed, even though it was a one-night stand. I think at the back of my mind, I must have thought, ‘he wouldn’t have sex with me without a condom if he had HIV’, but I think maybe in reality, what he was thinking is that I wouldn’t have unprotected sex with him, if I wasn’t already positive. Now that I’ve got it, I can sort of understand why he didn’t say anything. But I would never have unprotected sex with anyone.
After speaking to three people with very different experiences, why is there such a stigma surrounding HIV?
Our society is UNEDUCATED about the facts of HIV, which, in turn, fires JUDGEMENT within our society. With people knowing that HIV is a dangerous STI, we often hear the (unacceptable) terms “slut” or “riddled” associated with it. This sparks FEAR in those diagnosed, afraid of being judged by our own kind. It also ignites fears of men who are unsure of their diagnosis and thus scared to get tested. So many men hide in SECRECY of being positive. And in turn perpetuates the stigma gay men suffer in this widespread epidemic.
There’s nothing most of us can do about how quickly a vaccine is discovered, but what we can do to help ourselves as a community, is firstly, to accept that HIV is not a death sentence, nor is it necessarily the result of promiscuity. Many of those positive are simply men that made a one-off mistake. Secondly, to fully support those that are brave enough to be open about their positive status. And finally, read up, educate ourselves on the issue and get tested regularly.
