Jodie Harsh

DRAGONY AUNT

Posted on May 16, 2012

I’ve been cheating on my boyfriend for a few weeks and now I think I have gonorrhoea. The guy I cheated on him with has just been diagnosed with it, so I’m guessing I have it. Next week would be our fourth anniversary and my BF has booked us a weekend in Torremolinos. How do I tell him that I may have passed it on to him?  

Ishmael, Bethnal Green

 

Hi Ishmael,

Ouch, bit of a sticky situation. You need to get yourself to a clinic and see if you have it, first. I mean, you really don’t need me to tell you that. If you have symptoms, you should head straight to a walk-in centre before you even finish reading this page. If you do have it, and you’ve passed it on to your boyfriend, you have some explaining to do. You need to sit him down, bite the bullet, and just explain everything. What’s meant to be, will be.

PS – That’ll teach you for being a slut.

PPS – Where the hell is Torremolinos? Sounds like a dessert.

 


 

I’m 38 years old and I’d really like to be a successful drag queen about town like you – do you have any advice for how I can do it? I’ve just come out of a ten year marriage (to a woman) and also come from a really blokey family in Dagenham. I’m worried what they will think about me swanning around London in a dress. Do you think I should still go for it?

Dave, Dagenham 

 

Hey girl!

Get yourself into something small and sexy, shave your legs, and catwalk down to Trannyshack on a Wednesday. See my mate Dusty there for drinks tickets and swan around like you’re RuPaul at the American LGBT Awards. And get cabs everywhere. And don’t tell your Dad.

 


 

I’m 29 years old and have no trouble getting men, but I just can’t seem to stay faithful when I do. My ‘relationships’ don’t usually last for longer than a month and then I just can’t resist the temptation of new and exciting cock. Do you think I have a fear of commitment? Will I ever be happy with just one guy? 

Liam, Islington

 

Hi Liam,

Look, we all love a new and exciting cock, but there does come a point where being a slapper gets boring. Maybe you do have commitment issues, but who am I to give advice? I’m single! Oh, wait, I’m an Agony Aunt now. Umm…carry on, and wear a condom! There!

 


 

Oh Jodie,

This is so embarrassing. I would consider myself quite cool in terms of music taste, but I have grown an unhealthy obsession with Justin Bieber lately. I can’t stop humming his new track ‘Boyfriend’, and I fantasize about him non-stop – he’s just so hot now that he’s all grown up. What to do? This is so not like me, I’m a cool London DJ. 

Kris, Shoreditch

 

Dear Kris, Fuck off.

 


 

Dear Jodie

When in the gym, I have a tendency to find myself fist-pumping on the treadmill to my tunes. How do I stop?

@mattcw1971 on Twitter

 

Blimey, what gym do you go to that allows such sexual activity?! Get yourself down to a fetish club and get all the fisting out of your system there. Dirty bitch. They wouldn’t allow that at Third Space!

 


 

I’ve been seeing a guy for six months and he ticks all the boxes. Well, most of them. He’s good looking, funny, has a great job… but he’s a bit boring in bed. I’m not into anything extreme, but he insists on being a top all the time and he’s not got the biggest cock in the world, which is fine as I’m no size queen, but more to the point he’s just so vanilla. He’s 39 and I’m 28 and I thought he’d be bit more experienced and know what to do. His sex drive is pretty high and he is always up for it, but it’s just a bit obvious when we’re fucking and ‘military’. He doesn’t like the idea of threesomes or having an open relationship. I really love him but now this issue is frustrating me and I’ve been cruising online for kicks. Help! I really love him, but would I be a bastard for leaving him because the sex is bad?

Steve, Croydon

 

Hey Steve,

Sex is important in a relationship, of course, but it seems like he’s a great guy otherwise. Why don’t you start instigating something kinky while you’re at it with his tiny willy? Maybe try spanking him or something? It may be that he’s too embarrassed to speak about sex, even with his boyfriend, and it should be less talk, more action. Try introducing a sex toy into your bedtime activities – this will make up for what he lacks with his lil’ dick (that would be a good name for a rapper, actually). If all else fails, you need to weigh up just how important the sex is to you. We all have our needs and have to be a little bit selfish sometimes.

 

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