Christmas can be a particularly stressful time, and even more so if you have to spend it with your man’s unbearable family. But, obviously, we have it covered…
The Stiff Upper Lip Father
It’s a typically British father that neither resents nor rejoices the fact that his son is gay, let alone the fact he’s bringing the guy he’s rodgering over for turkey. You could try and make some feeble attempt at bonding over a sport you know nothing about, but he’ll probably resent you like Solange Knowles for trying. The good news is he gets a little looser after some booze (like you, babe). So keep his whiskey glass full until the gasbag passes out on the sofa.
The Overbearing Mother
She’ll be stressing over the stove like Anna Wintour working on the September Issue, but just allow her this minor bit of relevance. It’s the biggest event in her life since giving birth. Which she’ll remind you that she did do, in case you’d forgotten. No present you buy her will ever be good enough, but better get the old wench some perfume just in case. And don’t forget to compliment her cooking, even if it tastes like mouldy afterbirth.
The Moody Older Sister
She was born first, so obviously thinks she’s the boss. *Rolls eyes* She should use that University degree to school herself in ‘reality’. She’ll be generally invasive about your private life, so when she asks where you graduated, just ask the tranny where she bought her make-up. When she answers, respond with “oh, lovely”, through grimaced teeth.
The Foul-Mouthed Nan
We all loved her on Catherine Tate, but in real life she can be harder to stomach than those undercooked brussel sprouts. And not just because her dentures roll across your plate everytime she hurls a homophobic slur.
The Closeted Uncle
It’s December 25th babe, where are you going with that floral shirt? Hawaii? Hmm, more like Key West. Still though, bless her pantyhose being 50-something, single and still telling the family he hasn’t met the right woman, as her limp wrist almost knocks over the gravy boat.
The Drunken Aunty
You’ll love her at first. She’s basically a gay man in Sandra Bernhard’s body. Until you find out she’s getting more dick than you and earns twice as much just being a receptionist. By the time she’s repeatedly slurring about the married man she blew in Greece it’s time to cut that hoe off and call her a taxi.
The Brat Little Brother
Yes, he’s a little c*nt, but his parents certainly won’t appreciate you battering his face with the Playstation controller. (Do kids still have those, Playstations?) Don’t bother with trying your hand at schoolboy slang either, it’s moved on since “mate” and “butterz”. But playing Tetris or whatever with him will keep him from calling you faggot.
