Now, we know what you’re thinking. Oh here come QX again, with another self-indulgent, irrelevant article. And you know what…you’re right.
But in our defence, these things ARE worth writing about! We won’t use the phrase “cultural zeitgeist” again, because we say that too much. But y’know, things like crap television adverts are a part of the, shall we say, psychosocial media landscape. They create a dialogue, a commercial milieu.
Right we’ll shut up now. Basically, we wrote about our favourite weird TV adverts, so that’s that.
The Lilt Ladies
Bring back the Lilt ladies! Two fab middle aged Caribbean ladies with a zest for life and a penchant for Coca-Cola company’s pale imitation of the world’s best soft drink (Ting). This ad is actually a glorious spoof of that ridiculous Levi’s “Odyssey” ad where two anorexic twig people hurtle through the walls of a building, run up a tree trunk and then peg it into space for no conceivable reason. In this version the Ladies, Blanche and Hazel (aged 61 and 59 respectively) crash through the walls of their flats on a mad quest for Lilt. They politely move aside the furniture though, because they were RAISED RIGHT. Once they get outside they decide they can’t be arsed with running up a fucking palm tree so they just kick back and suck down a soda. All while delivering a pair of beautiful, hearty laughs. We love you, ladies!
Energy Efficient – Bitchy Boiler
Now we don’t want to oversell it, but this is best commercial EVER MADE. A dowdy family sits around a table in fear of their BOILER. The boiler is a total cunt that talks like Tanya Turner on ket and comes out with some absolute gems. It refers to the head of the Dowdy family as “Baldilocks and the three hairs” (amazing), before laying into the Dowdy Daughter by asking her where her (presumably non-existent) boyfriend is. Dowdy Mum has hit her fucking LIMIT though and as the boiler starts on her by telling her it wouldn’t wanna bump into her on a dark night (SCREAM) she explodes, jumping up from table and letting out a harrowing cry of “STOP IT!!!” before Baldilocks cradles her in his arms. Epic, unmissable drama. We don’t even care what happens after.
Belly’s Gonna Get Ya!
This is disgusting. A giant pot belly chases a man through some kind of urban centre screaming “BELLY’S GONNA GET YA” from a non-existent mouth. It bounces across overpasses and wedges itself into elevators, all whilst making various farty noises. The belly’s victim manages to outrun the screaming gut, until it inexplicably drives a motorcycle (with sidecar) off of a bridge into a canal. It’s not even that funny, it’s actually just really gross and I hate it and I wish it had never been made. This is why I will never wear Reebok. You see what you’ve done? You’ve lost our custom for LIFE, ‘Bok.
Christina Aguilera’s Virgin Ad
We don’t really even know what’s going on in this ad. All we know is that Christina Aguilera’s hair looks absolutely appalling, there’s a bit where she bounces around on a swivel chair, a man in a George Bush mask dances and that the entire commercial got banned. What was going ON over at Virgin? Was Richard Branson having HRT or something? Speaking of, remember when he tried to throw Sarah Harding off the wing of a (parked) jumbo jet? Remember when Sarah Harding released Threads? What were we talking about again? Oh piss off. You all knew we’d find a way to shoehorn Hardcore Harding into this at some point. Christina Aguilera be DAMNED.
Cheryl Cole’s Elnett Ads
ROCK IT. WURK IT. UPDO. DOWNDO. HEN DO. It’s our Chezza and she’s flogging hairspray, pet! The link we’ve included is our favourite instalment, mainly because her hair looks ABSOLUTELY MENTAL throughout (seriously, that giant, matted Elvis-meets-French-Braid affair she’s got as she mounts a speaker is just nuts) but the entire L’Oreal series is a treat. Like the one where she burbles about her first ballet class, the one where she just generally Cheryls around a flat spraying herself in the face with lacquer and the one where she’s harping on about WAYK, LEMP EN LAYFELISS HURR. God bless Cheryl. She gives you everything. Remember when she dove off a ledge like Tom Daley onto a crowd of men? Or when she told us she’d “come back for that note later” during a LIVE PERFORMANCE of Owl City’s Fireflies? Icon.
Kim Cattrall’s Tetley Tea ad
Of all the people flogging Tetley, we wouldn’t have expected Samantha Jones to be doing it. She might be a fan of TEABAGGING but we don’t really see her curling up with a hot mug of char of an evening. Well, apparently we’re all dead wrong! Because KimCat loves tea (and money, clearly)! So much so that she’s got a (fictional) relative called Aunt Tea, who has a selection of herbal brews stashed in phallic tubes all over her gaff. Kim pops over for a cuppa, insinuates she might fuck Aunt Tea’s underage son and then fondles the tubes in a highly unsavoury manner. “Don’t do that, Kim” says Aunt Tea. Took the words right out of our mouths, dear.
Kim Cattrall’s Nintendo DS ad
“I go on magical adventures with a certain Mario,” drawls Kim Cattrall in her totally bizarre and incongruous Nintendo Ad “and guess what…he’s totally into dressing up.” OH COME ON NOW. Kim Cattrall couldn’t even make herself a piece of toast without making it seem sexy. But in the ad, she’s just sat there playing a Nintendo DS. Let’s be honest, Kim Cattrall would NEVER just sit at home and play on her Nintendo DS. It’s just not realistic. It’d be more realistic if she’d taken Mario out to a dirty bar behind Dalston High Street, and slipped an E in his drink and a finger in his arse. We love Kim. Hey Kim! You do you babes.
Scary Mary – Phones 4 U
Christ, this was that weird part of the “Noughties” (VOM) where mobile phones were still big business for everyone. Now Apple has cornered the market and Samsung sort of hangs around to pick up any stragglers who still believe they’re ‘individuals’. But back then, in the heady ten pound top-up voucher days, you could choose from six million different plastic handsets at shops like Phones 4 U. Shops where PROPER fit South Asian boys would trick you into buying ugly Nokias and Triums with their pinstripe suits, Lynx body spray and raw sexuality. Due to this, Phones 4 U had all kinds of money to blow on absurd ad campaigns, and Scary Mary is a shining example of this. I can’t even remember what the bloke’s name is but he was mildly fuckable in a rainy day sort of way. It’s Mary’s face though. Those eyes. Haunting.
Liz Hurley’s Groupon Ad
Oh my god. This really does take the fucking biscuit. And only someone like national treasure, actress, and general camp nonsense Elizabeth Hurley could get away with it. “The rainforest is irreplaceable,” she says, solemnly posing against scenes of arboreal devastation “and rampant deforestation is threatening this national treasure.” Wow! Liz Hurley supporting a cause! Liz Hurley caring about something other than handbags and what kind of hair conditioner to order for her racehorse. BUT THEN. SUDDENLY. She’s wearing a towelling robe in a waxing salon. She looks into the camera with that knowing, look-how-ridiculous-I-am expression she wears so well. “But not ALL deforestation is bad! We’re all saving fifty per cent on a Brazilian wax at Completely Bare in New York City!” Oh Liz.
The Spice Girls Tesco Christmas Ads
The funniest thing about this advert, is that it starts with Victoria Beckham walking into Tesco. She probably didn’t know what a Tesco was up until that point. She probably still doesn’t. The second funniest thing is when a hapless Tesco worker presents her with an iPod, and she literally throws him a look of frozen terror, as if he’s just stepped out of a spaceship and presented her with a carnivorous plant. Then yet more hilarity ensues – she’s buying Christms gifts for the other Spice Girls, but they are also all in THE SAME TESCO, blowing their Spice millions on more useless tat. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES.
