Welcome to the most problematic and extra New Music Friday ever.
Camila Cabello, Queen Of Miami, Leaver Of Girlbands, First Of Her Name, has today released a new single. It’s called Crying In The Club.
Well, we’re not surprised. It was never going to be anything other than self-indulgent and childish. We’re dreading the video. We can just picture it now. Her sliding slowly to the floor in a bathroom stall, mascara running, cameras flashing. Jesus christ.
However. Her ridiculous behaviour does not change the fact that…this song is GOOD. We’d almost go as far as to say it’s a banger. Granted, it starts with some suspiciously trop pop plinky plonks. And the vocals are smokily sexy. Camila’s been rootling around in Dua Lipa’s internet history. In fact, this is basically a Dua Lipa song.
The only thing getting in the way of Camila having a successful solo career like Dua, is the fact that she doesn’t have any talent.
Next…IGGY! Igloo Australia is going through a particularly caucasian drum and bass/Eminem-style phase at the moment. We’re mostly too hungover to handle her music at the moment actually. It’s a lot.
That said, Mo Bounce has its merits. It’s great at 3am in a basement in Dalston, when you’re choking on a tequila shot or a dick. And her new one, “Switch”…well, we’re not sure. We’re only 46 seconds in, and she’s already said “you can’t fuck wid Iggy” and “Iggy da baddest of ’em all” and “all dat ass deserve an applause.” Like. Sit down Iggy.
Now, we LOVE Selena Gomez. We are Selena Gomez advocates. We still maintain that Hands To Myself was a defining moment in modern pop music, and whenever Me & My Girls comes on we spill whatever drink or bottle of poppers we happen to be holding at the time. But her new offering “Bad Liar” is basic and forgettable.
In fact it’s shit. Which probably means it’ll do really well in the charts. But yeah, we hate it. Sorry Selena, but you need to step things up, otherwise you’ll find yourself on a G-A-Y album.
FINALLY (we’re too old for this) Lana Del Rey’s almost impossibly Lana Del Rey new single. Coachella – Woodstock In My Mind. Even just reading the title makes you want to put on a white linen dress, down a bottle of whiskey and pass out in the back of a Delorean. Lana never disappoints. Ten points.
NB: An artist called Katy Perry has got a song out called “Swish Swish”, but it’s a narrative we do not wish to be a part of.