You know, we love an event. We really do. It makes up for the crushing hangovers, disappointing dates and general existential dread. Even if you’ve just been thrown out of your flat for not paying council tax, and your boyfriend’s just broken up with you because you threw food at him, if you’re at The Barbican with a free glass of terrible Pinot Grigio in your hand, it makes everything feel a bit less bleak…y’know?
Who needs meaningful relationships and intellectual stimulation when you’ve just been invited to the launch of Tinie Tempah’s new range of Smart Cars?! (That’s an actual event that we’ve actually been to, by the way – we talked too much at Daisy Lowe and she made a face and then left).
But of course, for the privilege of eating damp crackers with salmon on and then vomiting them all over Jameela Jamil, there are certain things you have to do, and certain people you have to know. So here it is, our guide to blagging your way into events!
Sleep with a lot of people who work in PR
The more the better. People who work for alcohol and fashion brands usually have access to the best events, and if you sleep with them they will remember you. Don’t bother with people in tech PR – you’ll end up sitting in an office on the South Bank getting a three hour lecture about the latest Virtual Reality vegetable spiralliser.
Just Break In
This is a slightly controversial option because it is, technically, illegal. So we’re not CONDONING it. We are just saying, that if the event is in, say, a marquee, and perhaps if the back of that marquee hasn’t been fastened properly then…well. Take matters into your own hands.
Be really nice to everyone
If you’re really to nice to every single person you meet, you’re far more likely to get invited to things.
Dress well and act with confidence
This is basically all you have to do to get into an event. If you look like you’re supposed to be there, and you feel like you’re supposed to be there, then you ARE supposed to be there. Just saunter up in your leather jacket, glower at the person with the clipboard when they ask for you name, and walk straight in.
If you haven’t been invited, get stuff from a friend who has
So if a friend got an invite to an event but you didn’t, get them to send you a screengrab of the email, and then if you’re not on the list you can show the people on the door the email and they will assume it was their error and let you in. This is a great tactic and has a 100% success rate. It has literally never failed.
Be a journalist
This is the easiest route to getting invited to events. Of course the flipside is that most of the world will think you’re a soulless cunt, but it’s a small price to pay for unlimited free alcohol every night of the week.
Have a famous name
If you have the same name as a famous person, you might get invited to events because the organisers think you’re them. For example, “Dylan Jones, Editor of QX” is quite similar on paper (in fact, one letter away) from “Dylan Jones, Editor of GQ”.
If you get the opportunity to request names for a guestlist, always keep it gender neutral
Firstly because gender is an antiquated construct, but also because you never know which of your friends can make it. Keep it ambiguous, so that when they turn up, they can match the names on the list no matter how they present themselves. “Sam” and “Charlie” are always safe bets.
Don’t get too drunk
If you get too drunk, you won’t be invited back. People REMEMBER. If you were the one pissing in the chocolate fountain or inappropriately getting off with Olly Alexander, you’ll be added to a PR blacklist and won’t be invited to any events ever again.
There’s nothing sadder than hanging around. Have a few drinks, work the room, make a swift exit and leave them wanting more.