We get personal with the Discerning Daddy.
There’s little territory that Mr Leavell will not openly discuss. He’s well known within the community for his honesty about sex, relationships and his super-popular blog, The Discerning Daddy. He’s here with a brand new book, so we decided to grab an inter-Atlantic coffee and pick his brain about a few things…
Hey Jeff! So for those who don’t know, tell us what your vibe is.
I guess that my whole point is to say: as long as you aren’t out there hurting anyone, then do whatever you want. Be whoever you want. We spend so much time trying to tell each other how to behave, or make each other feel bad for acting too “slutty” or too sexy or whatever it is and I’m just like: who the fuck cares?
My best friend and partner, a guy who had been my lover for years, my brother, Jon Nelson, died back in February. That was one of those moments. I’ve three of them: my mom getting diagnosed with Stage IV Cancer, my testing positive for HIV, and Jon dying: those moments that can either break you or raise you up, change you.
I feel like I owe it to Jon, to my mom, to all the guys I knew growing up who died from AIDS to be the best me I can: no matter what that means. If that means I want to be out there sucking dick in the men’s room, or monogamous, or celibate, or a lawyer or a writer, or whatever it is I want, then I get to be it. And no one gets to tell me I can’t.
So I guess my vibe is like this super permissive friend who is out there cheering you on to go do whatever filthy, dirty, gorgeous, thing you want. To live whatever dream you want, because one day you’re gonna die. One day everyone you love is gonna die. You might as well have made it worth it.
I guess my true vibe is cheesy as fuck.
Does the gay community have a problem with slut shaming?
I’m not sure I’d say “problem” but I think, like all communities, we shame each other for our sexuality, and maybe as gay men we feel a little more ashamed. I think we try so hard to prove something, to show we are “normal” and like everyone else (straight people) that we forget what makes us special. I don’t want to be normal. I don’t want to live like everybody else. I like fucking around. I like making out. I like going out dancing and seeing all the queer kids all big and colorful.
I’ve said this a lot, when it comes to sex and shaming someone for being a “slut”: why do you care? If someone is happy and out there having lots of sex and cruising and having fun then that’s awesome, right? I mean, sex is fun. Don’t we all like having fun? It doesn’t mean you have to fuck 2000 guys, but if you want to, have at it.
Have you noticed people’s attitudes towards sex change over the years?
Yes, and I’d say it’s for the better (though I’m sure lots of people will disagree with me). I think when it comes to HIV alone we are a lot less afraid and better educated. There are things like PrEP and TASP out there that if used correctly can stop the transmission of HIV, as well as the fact that if you are taking your meds and maintaining your Undectable status it has been proven you can no longer transmit the HIV virus. This is huge!
I also think that we have more freedom. We can be more open. We don’t have to always be so afraid. Sure, that’s not true everywhere, but in most of the big cities it is. I think we are lucky. But I think that means we have an obligation to keep fighting for all of our community to share in that privilege: Trans, Gender-Queer, kids growing up outside of the Cities or in countries where it’s still illegal to be gay.
The internet and the apps have made the world smaller. Everyone now has access to their community. I think that is amazing. It’s changed sex, it’s changed how we see each other and feel about ourselves.
What’s the best sexual experience you’ve had?
I’ve had a lot of sex, and a lot of really good fun sex. Maybe, ok, I still think about this a lot. I was 18. It was at the New York Sports Club in Chelsea. I was showering and this super hot muscled Dominican daddy walked into the steam room and I got up the courage and followed him in. There were a few guys in there. We sat down everyone started to jerk off. The Dominican daddy smiled at me and grabbed himself, and I was on my knees, totally worshipping him.
To be honest, it’s not the wildest thing I’ve ever done, not the “hottest” but it was special. I had never had sex in a gym steam room before. I remember walking out onto 23rd and 8thavenue, it was fall, and I felt so alive. I felt free. I felt like I could do and be anything I wanted. I felt exhilarated. Sometimes sex can do that. It can bring everything into focus: it can remind you that the adventure is important. Life is all about adventures.
What’s the secret to being comfortable with your sexuality?
I think this comes down to being honest with yourself, about what you need, and who you are. Maybe trying things out, playing around a little, and remember: no one gets to tell you you’re wrong. If they do, just remember this: I’m a 50-year-old HIV Positive Sober dude who’s had sex with easily over 3000 people, and I’m happy. I’m okay. I’m maybe even successful. I have a great boyfriend, and lots of friends and my family likes me. If I can do that, then you can find a way to do it too. The secret: go to where the love is.
Do people judge you when they find out you’ve slept with a lot of people?
For the most part people are super supportive when I talk about how many people I’ve had sex with. Some people have said some crazy mean things, but I try to remember that says more about them than it does about me. I’m ok with my sex life. I feel pretty lucky. If it upsets someone…well, they will just have to figure that out all by themselves.
Let’s talk about your current work. Tell us about your book!
I wrote a book! It’s called Accidental Warlocks. I started this project as stories about my life on Facebook. About growing up in the 70’s and 80’s in and around New York City. About being a drug addict and about having sex, falling in love, and people really responded to them so I started making them longer, and there’s a book! I actually wrote a book! I also have a blog, The Discerning Daddy, and I started this new serialized novel, Strange Beasts, which is on my blog. The first entry went up this week!
Jeff’s Book Accidental Warlocks is available on Amazon. Head over to JeffLeavell.com to read more of his work.
