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by Ifan Llewelyn

I know you must have heard it a million times by now. Halloween is the ‘gay Christmas’, always head and shoulders above all other gay Christmas from the Oscars to Eurovision. It’s a rather strange one for us to cling on to, I mean, Christmas has a big daddy you get to sit on, Easter has the guy with the abs stuck to a piece of wood, why do we as queer people feel the Halloween vibe so hard each year?

I’m going to side step the whole “we use to be monsters, so now we like monsters” thing, because looking back at queer history that isn’t in the past few decades is just, well… sad. Halloween isn’t about depressing; it’s about getting spooked. It’s the one day a year where you can wear ANYTHING you want, and act as strange as you want and no one can say a damn thing. It’s the only night of the year where Princess Julia can pass as just another pedestrian. But everyone out there feels the release from social norms on Halloween, so us gays have to take it one step further. It’s the time when future drag stars throw on their first pairs of heels, or future GoGo dancers head out in just a Speedo an a pair of ears (“I’m a mouse, duh!”).

Arguably it’s also the one time of year where heading over to a stranger’s house, and expecting to be treated is a done thing. Us gays do it on the regular, it’s a boring Wednesday night having scored on Grindr. Most of us walk around with a baggy of goodies if we’ve been trick-or-treating or not.

To simplify, we’ve rounded up the icons of the Halloween scene to explain exactly how they’re so gay:

The Mummy

We’re all just a bunch of mummy’s boys, aren’t we? And wrapped in bandages is usually how we wake up after a heavy night at Fire. The mummy has always been a good go-to for the lazy gays who leave everything until the last minute, and all they have is toilet paper and some sellotape. The mummy’s a bona fide homosexual because they’re always found in huge tombs that have been meticulously decorated with a bunch of riches. Those expensive artefacts would blend in seamlessly with the décor of a pseudo-intellectua-gay‘s Leicester Square apartment.

The Vampire

A man who’s best known for sucking? I mean, HELLO. Giving love-bites like it’s ’89 again. Not to mention his love for fashion capes, and making an entrance. He also prefers to sleep alone, once he’s done his sucking there’s only space for one in that coffin. Whenever we’re done with a hook-up, you know damn well they’re not staying for breakfast. He’s like one of those property mogul gays who has a castle over here, a semi-detached townhouse over there… Usually the one to host the sexy hang out, but watch your back because he usually preys on you whilst you’re sleeping.

The WerewolfWhen a full moon hangs in the darkness, this guy transforms. EXACTLY like a married man during a Grindr hookup. You meet up and he’s a straight-laced professional-looking married middle aged man, but as it gets dark and you’re alone with him, he transforms into the sex depraved maniac who won’t stop spanking you. You know he can’t help it, it’s his inner animal coming out and taking over, giving in to his carnal, savage nature. He’s one for a lurk around the back streets of Soho just in case he’s caught doing gay things.

The Witch

Ryan Murphy covered this one in American Horror Story: Coven. Bitchy witches.

The Ghost

These are everywhere in gay culture. You have a few really nice dates with that guy, it’s great and then POOF!!! He becomes a ghost. Not replying to messages, he’s blocked you on some social media platforms and for some reason he’s not answering his door when you turn up tipsy at 3am. Well, his loss. But the strange thing is, much like Nichole Kidman in The Others, it’s usually one of those “omg I thought they were the ghost, but I’m actually the ghost” situations. Classic, gag-worthy horror plot-twist. Imagine if every time you ghosted someone you started disappearing, Marty McFly style, like a real ghosts. You’d think twice about cutting off contact with that date that wouldn’t stop talking about his ex.

The Zombie

They eat human flesh. I’m sure all of us have had our fair share of man flesh in our mouths. Of course if teeth are involved, you should definitely watch a few naughty tutorials, because they shouldn’t. Unless you’re into that… Zombies are often seen wearing the latest in ripped fashion, which is often the clothing of choice when it comes to us gays. Have a dowdy old shirt? Rip off the bottom half and BOOM, you have a cute little crop top. Just be sure to leave the ripped jeans in London when you head home for family functions because you WILL have to force a laugh when Uncle Craig comments “the poor lad cant even afford clothes without holes in them”. Fuck you, Uncle Craig.

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